28
CIARA
I wake up after a few hours of restless sleep full of nightmares, blood, and cold lacerating words that reverberate in my head and won’t lessen their grip on me.
Then I allow myself a purifying shower to wash away his touch and his presence that towers over me, making me feel tiny, insignificant and useless. I cry under the tepid water, running my hands over my face repeatedly, hoping to cancel out these memories and sense of guilt for having been so stupid as to let him get near me and pretend that he had some right over me that no one ever could have, no one other than him.
I turn off the tap and step out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel. I dry myself and dry my hair and look in Erin’s closet for something that might fit me. I find a pair of leggings and a large T-shirt, put them on and pull up my still-wet hair. Then I take a deep breath and decide to go downstairs and face what ever it is that awaits me there.
I tiptoe down the stairs and hear voices coming from the kitchen. I peek in without being noticed, just when Aaron is speaking.
“And now all I feel is love and it’s devastating, because I don’t know what could happen and I can’t stand the idea of having to separate from her, not to be able to be close to her…” His voice cracks with tears.
I lean around a little more to see Patrick bending over him with a hand on his back and a serious expression on his face.
“We’re here, Aaron. We are your family and this is how we handle things, isn’t it? If something should happen, we’re here for you both, for her and for you.”
“I can’t lose her… Not now that I’ve finally understood what an idiot I’ve been—that I’ve been stumbling around in the dark for so long trying to push her away from me, hurting her in doing so without her knowing what I really feel for her.”
I’m too late in raising my hand to my mouth after an audible sob escapes me. Everyone turns around to face me as I’m hanging onto the doorframe with my fingernails, trying to contain this cyclone of contrasting emotions that won’t allow me to think rationally.
Love, fear, pain… I’m not able to distinguish them right now. I can’t think clearly or absorb his words and make them mine.
Aaron jumps to his feet to meet me but I step backwards, scared and confused, running to the second floor and taking refuge in the bedroom because I’m not able to deal with all this at once. I can’t taste his love, I can’t feel it on my skin because it’s still burning, ever since someone else touched me.
I close the door behind me and fall on the bed, hiding my head under the pillow. Someone comes in without knocking and sits down next to me.
“Ciara…” Patrick says, gently rubbing my back. “Please look at me.”
I look up a bit and see his eyes full of pity and I throw myself into his arms, which hug me like only a brother’s arms can.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur onto his shoulder.
“Sorry? What for?”
“For all of this, for the problems I’ve caused you and for what I’m doing withhim.”
“The only guilty part here is that bastard Mark.”
“I let him get close to me, I led him on. I made him believe—”
“Enough of that bullshit!” Patrick pushes me away from him and grabs my shoulders firmly. “That guy is a maniac that deserves to burn in hell. No way did you lead him on, he’s playing with your mind, trying to make you think that. He’s a manipulating bastard.”
“A bastard that I provoked. With my way of being, with my way of—”
“Knock it off.”
“I’m a stupid girl.”
“No! You are an honest, demonstrative woman, beautiful and sunny, sweet and kind and he’s a piece of lying shit. You’re perfect just as you are. Ciara, I beg you, don’t think that you’ve done something to lead him on, because I know that’s nonsense. It’s his twisted lies that you’re believing.”
“And Aaron?”
“Aaron’s got big shoulders, don’t worry about him.”
I lower my gaze and pull away from him.
“That man loves you, Ciara.”
