I believe in the tremor of his voice broken with emotion.
I believe in his hands which continue to sweetly caress my face.
I believe in his love that I can see now in all of its uncertainty and fear, but with all of its blinding light.
I believe in this man, the man I love who saved me from losing myself forever.
—
AARON
Her sobs hit me like lead balloons, ripping me back to reality. I stop with my fist in midair and climb off this piece of shit. I turn my head towards the corner where Ciara is hunched down in tears.
I get up and run to her but as soon as I get too close, she retracts.
She’s afraid.
Ofme.
Her eyes are transfixed on my hands which are covered in blood, so I clean them the best I can on my jeans and try again to move closer. I am cautious, careful and fucking terrorized.
I touch her chin and the confusion I see in her eyes breaks away a piece of my heart. I reach out to her with the other hand to draw her towards me. I need to hold her, to feel that she is alright, that she’s here and nothing is going to happen to her from this point onwards. There is not going to be a day, an hour, a second in my life that I am not going to take care of her.
Because she is the love I cannot renounce.
I hold her and she relaxes into my embrace. She’s crying and shaking and I can’t avoid crying myself. I tuck my head into the nook of her shoulder. I cry in silence but the fear of losing her opens my eyes, my mind and my heart and it is as obvious as a lightning strike from heaven that all I want in my life is this woman.
Then, I break away from her. I have to ask her, even if I don’t have the strength to sustain an affirmation.
“Did he?… Did he?”
She denies it with her head.
Sweet Jesus, thank you.
The only thing that matters is that she’s alright, that he didn’t hurt her and that I can continue living after this. But I’ve really made a mess of things here. I hit that guy hard while I was in a furious rage. I’ll have to answer for it and I guess I’d better get started now.
I grab my cell phone from my pocket and tell her I have to call someone because I have to deal with this crisis I’ve just created.
I dial the number of the only person able to help me right now.
“I need you,” I tell him without mincing words. “I’m at Ciara’s house and I’m in trouble. I need you to come here right now and bring Rain with you because they might lock me up and I don’t want Ciara to be alone.”
I don’t need to add anything else. Liam hangs up without a word and without further questions.
In our family, that’s how it works.
We’re there. That’s it.
Then I call the police, giving them a bit of the background to what’s happened, but they will be here shortly and there will be an ambulance arriving at the same time.
I’ll have to accept my responsibility. There will be loads of problems. They’ll take me away and maybe take her too, and I don’t want her to face this trouble alone. I need Rain to stay with her and support her now because I already know I won’t be able to do it.
Patrick will discover everything that’s happened and very probably he will also end up in jail after having killed me. There will be trouble for everyone but the only thing I’m worried about is her, how she’s going to take all of this and how she’ll get over it.
This is what I’m really afraid of.
I return to her because I need to tell her right this second and I need to hear myself say it out loud. So, with fear in my voice and still very much shaken by what’s just happened, I tell her: “I don’t know what’s going to happen, Ciara. But I swear to you on my life that I will not permit anything bad to happen to you.”
