3
JASON
I let myself get talked into it by Aaron and decided to just face this situation. I’m not convinced it’s such a good idea, but I know sooner or later I will run into her and I have to be honest—now that I know she’s here, I need her. I want to know how she’s doing and I want her to be the one to tell me.
I can do this, I tell myself, even if that’s not absolutely true.
The pub is jammed full like it is most nights and the girls here are abundant and I think in different circumstances I could even look around a bit. I’m not a fucking bastard, let’s get that straight. I like girls and their company, but I do keep away from making ties, being tied down is not for me.
I don’t lead anyone on, I’m always clear from the beginning. I enjoy staying with them until things get too intimate.
I can’t let myself get caught up in some story to get crushed by it. I can’t let myself suffer. I can’t allow my heart to be torn in two.
I don’t want to end up like my old man.
Aaron leads the way and indicates a table.
“There’s Alex,” he says in my ear.
Alex.
Hearing her name immobilizes me instantly when I’m just a few steps away from her. I wait for her to lift her gaze from the table at which she’s staring and when she finally decides to raise her chin, giving me a shy smile, it’s a miracle my heart doesn’t splatter right there on the pavement.
“A-Alex,” I stutter.
Perhaps that’s what I say. Or maybe I don’t say anything.
I’m not really sure it’s even my voice.
Just a second is enough for me: our eyes meet and I’m back to being that desperate boy who had just lost his mother and tried to drown his pain in the arms of his best friend.
I’ve tried not to think about her for five years, to hide the painful memory in the darkest corner of my mind, hoping that slowly it would become something vaguely bearable.
Illusion.
Five years down the toilet.
I’d like to take her by the hand and draw her to me and hug her and let her know everything’s alright, that’s it’s still me, Jason, her best friend, and that I’ve missed her more than the air I breathe, but the truth is I’m afraid to even touch her.
She gets up before I can decide to make the first move. She mutters something incomprehensible and I understand she’s about to leave and realize that I can’t let her go this way.
I have to do something now, before it’s too late.
“Alex, wait, I’ll go with you!” I yell after her, but she’s already out the door.
I follow her and head outside before she can escape.
“Alex, please! Stop!”
I spot her about fifty meters away from me, I can see that she’s trudging slowly and she’s winded. I hurry to reach her, I take her by the arm and turn her around. Her face is pale, much too pale I think, and I’m afraid I’ve already triggered some crisis that can’t be fixed.
“Don’t come close to me, you’redangerous.”
In one instant she breaks my heart all over again.
I close my eyes and hold them tightly shut, as if that were enough to placate this physical pain that’s spreading all over my body at an impressive rate of speed. As if closing my eyes was enough to block out these memories that are assaulting me at this moment, ready to torture me and take me down.
I touch her hand gently before pulling her to me, hoping not to make her fall apart. While I’m hoping that I don’t fall apart.
