The first half an hour goes by with no problem. Jason doesn’t even come near the counter. He limits himself to taking orders and passing them off to Liam and when he clears tables, he brings the tray directly to the back without even looking in my direction.
It hurts a little, but I suppose I’m the one to blame. I wanted it this way. He’s just respecting the space I asked him for.
I serve three Guinnesses to Liam and then I hear it, those words—those damned words that make me instinctively close my eyes and pray my heart won’t stop.
I’m not okay… I’m not okay… I’m not okay… You wear me out.
I don’t have the courage to open my eyes because I know his are there. I can feel them scratching my skin all the way down to my heart.
But you really need to listen to me… Because I’m telling you the truth… I mean this, I’m okay! (Trust Me).
And then I can smell him behind me, that intense perfume that opens all of my senses. And his hand goes up my arm until it reaches my shoulder.
I’m not okay… I’m not okay… Well, I’m not okay… I’m not o-fucking-kay… I’m not okay… I’m not okay (Okay).
“It’s not alright like this, Alex,” he whispers and even though the music is too loud, I can feel it with my whole body. “We can’t pretend nothing is happening here.”
And so I turn and meet his eyes. Serious eyes, determined, decided.
They aren’t the eyes of a scared boy. They aren’t the eyes of an immature idiot who’s ready to run. They aren’t the eyes of someone who is suffering.
They are the eyes of a man in love.
“You can’t…you can’t save me, Jay.”
“No. No, I can’t.”
“And I don’t want you to feel like you have to be here for me.”
He sighs in frustration.
“You can’t do anything for me.”
“And that’s where you’re wrong, Alex,” he says, giving me a grin.
He puts his hands in my hair and wraps a piece of it around his fingers before letting it go over my shoulder; he runs his fingers along with it to my chest, playing with it distractedly, and that touch makes me quiver.
“I can do something for you, Alex. I can live with you,” he continues and it’s hard for me to keep standing.
My legs give way and I grab out to him to keep from falling to the ground.
“How…how can we…?” I ask, clearing my throat.
“Mmm?”
“How could we live…together?”
He doesn’t answer. He just keeps looking at me and I feel like I don’t want to know his answer.
This is enough for me.
His smile and confidence are enough.
It’s enough that he’s here.
