What I want is just to be able to be with Jason, without destroying his life.
I sit down at the desk, feeling a bit defeated and turn on the computer. I go to Facebook to distract myself from my monotonous life, to look at other people’s photos, showing them happy and alive.
I notice that Aaron has been tagged in some pictures, so I go to his profile and start looking around until I see it: a picture of Jason with a girl in the background. I take a closer look and it sure seems to me that he’s got his arm around her.
And my heart just stops.
••••••
“Honey, I’m home.”
I hear my father’s voice calling me. I open my eyes and try to focus on him.
“Dad…”
“Everything’s fine, don’t worry.”
“What…”
“It’s nothing, dear. You’re still here,” he says with a voice broken with tears. “Just a false alarm. I heard a booming sound from downstairs and I ran up here, you fainted. I panicked and called an ambulance. I was afraid…” He leaves the phrase unfinished but I know full well where he was going with it.
“I’m still here with you, Dad,” I assure him, offering him my hand.
“Rain is outside. She’s worried and would like to see you.”
“Let her in.”
“Okay, five minutes. Don’t wear yourself out. The doctors are going to keep you overnight in observation. They said it could be an emotional trauma.”
I nod, holding back the emotions.
“Hey,” Rain says moving towards my bed in tears.
“Everything’s fine,” I tell her reassuringly.
“I’m sorry, it’s my fault. You told me you didn’t feel like it.”
“No, Rain, that isn’t what was responsible for this,” I say, not sure that I want to explain it to her.
“What happened?”
“Nothing, really. It was just a little episode, my dad should not have overreacted like he did.”
“He said you fainted and he was worried because you fell to the ground and he didn’t know if you had hit your head…”
“Everything’s fine. I’ll be home tomorrow.”
“Okay,” she says, kissing my forehead. “I’ll let you rest now. Liam is waiting for me outside, he sends his regards. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I nod and let her leave. I need to get my thoughts together here.
I remember I was on the computer, I was looking at Aaron’s pictures…and then I saw that one of…of Jason and a girl at the pub.
I feel my heart accelerating again but before I can call someone the nurse is already there.
“Everything is fine, dear, it’s just a bit of arrhythmia. You have to try to stay as calm as possible.”
I shut my eyes tight to keep back the tears but they come out anyway and I cannot control them. I don’t want to cry or to console myself, nor do I want to share how I’m feeling with anyone else.
