1
JASON
Five years later
I can’t believe I’m back in this house.It’s been years since I’ve set foot in here, but he called me, he begged me and I didn’t feel like I could refuse.
I abandoned him to escape the memory of the pain. I took the first chance I got to get out of here with the hope to leave this all behind.
After my mother’s death my father couldn’t swing it, he imploded. I always thought of him as a strong man, an unclimbable, inaccessible mountain, except for my mother.
And yet when she left, she brought every memory, every joy, every smile with her.
She brought it all with her.
She brought him too.
My father was a fair musician. It seemed like he enjoyed it, that it was something important in his life, but when his career started to seriously take off he gave it all up suddenly and completely, like a drug addict going cold turkey. I couldn’t understand the reason then, I was just a boy too hung up on the idea of success, applause, and the adoring crowd. My father was cool, and when he came to collect me from school, the other moms melted under his glance.
And yet, he wasn’t interested.
He just wanted her.
He decided to give up the road he was on and left music behind and instead opened a recording studio. He stopped traveling for his music to stay close to us, to make her happy and so that she would not be lonely without him.
Then, it all happened: she left and he died with her. I have never since then seen that sparkle in his eyes. I haven’t seen any sign of love in him or indeed any other sentiment other than rage.
He tried to be a father to me but he just wasn’t very good at it. Of course, I wasn’t a young boy at the time, I was about twenty when Mama died, but I needed him—I needed his support. I wanted him to share my grief, but he wasn’t able to. He was a broken man, half a man.
And I wasn’t able to bear it: I left everything behind.
An escape from the past, from the absence created in my life.
Her absence.
I missed her terribly, God, how I missed her. Still do. I remember everything about her, I’ve got her face branded in my mind and sometimes I can still conjure up the scent of her perfume, or her shampoo that cascaded over me every night as she came to tuck me in, even if I was too big for such attention.
I found refuge in Aaron’s house, he’s one of my best friends, especially after he and his sister Rain ended up alone. They had lost their parents a few years back and I went to live with them. We helped each other out in every way possible.
They welcomed me into their lives and allowed me to have a life of my own.
They became my family.
It’s been five long years since I’ve set foot in this house, a place that reminds me of everything I wanted to forget.
And here I am back at the start. I’m tired of having to keep my distance. I miss my childhood memories which are here, between these walls where I grew up.
I miss her.
My dad wants to put the pieces of this family back together. Now. Now that I’ve learned to live with this bitterness and the solitude. Now that I don’t need it anymore.
He wants us to go back to how we once were, to rebuild a relationship with me.
And so here we are. Starting over, as he says, where everything started. I don’t know if he’s really serious this time, but there’s nothing left for me to do but find out.
Life hasn’t been fair to him or me, but I’m trying to make the best of it: I want to breathe in some fresh air without the memories dragging me into the shadows. I certainly don’t want to end up like him, I know I can do better than that.
Control, that’s what I need. Control over everything. Over my life, how I behave and especially my emotions.
