“And you had the great idea to share this with me?With me?”
“I thought it could be helpful.”
No, it isn’t helpful. I should never have known this. I certainly didn’t demand that Alex would never have anyone else, but hearing about it hurts me deeply and is causing chest spasms.
“Calm down, Jay—It happened a year ago and hasn’t happened since then. But judging by the effect this news has had on you, I’d say I’m right.”
“That’s not the point.”
“What is the point, then?”
“I told you, we were young and then you know what happened. We were distanced from one another and we went on. I’ve had other relationships and she—”
“—she hasn’t, apart from that asshole Conor. She hasn’t had anyone. She’s afraid her life will always be like this, afraid that no one will love her for what she is. Alex is such a…”
“Hey!”
“And you try to pretend like you don’t like her…”
“I didn’t say I don’t like her. It’s obvious that I do, I’ve known her my whole life, she’s my best friend…”
“Oh, let’s go!” he interrupts me again, moving to stand directly in front of me.
“Let’s give this ‘best friend’ story a break because no one believes it,” he yells at me. “I also tried to play that card for ten years, do you remember? And look where it got me. I can’t help but thinking if I hadn’t been such a coward, if I had faced the truth sooner, maybe Neil would still be….” He isn’t able to continue the phrase. “See, you’re like a brother Jay, you know. I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did.”
Liam isn’t able to forgive himself for the death of his brother. He’s always been in love with Rain, but she was with Neil since they were kids and he never wanted to interfere in their relationship.
It had been a suffering, immense love that slowly destroyed him and for which he still feels responsible. Neil died in that damned car accident just after he discovered that Liam and Rain were in love; but he was good and loved both of them completely and never would have wanted to see them separated and I’m sure if he were still alive, he would have done everything to see them together. He wanted their happiness. Liam still hasn’t been able to get over this enormous pain of having lost his brother and taking his place, and to be honest, I don’t think he ever will. He will always feel like an intruder in Rain’s heart.
I shake my head and sigh. “Things are different with us.”
“Not as different as you might think. You’ve always liked her, right? Maybe even something more…”
“Let’s not exaggerate now.”
“Did you love her? Before? Were you in love with her?”
Did I love Alex? We were so young, for God’s sake. Who talks about love at that age? Then it was a particularly difficult situation: my mother was dead, I was feeling lost and she was there…
Jesus, did I love her.
“You didn’t answer me,” Liam interrupts my train of thought.
“I don’t want to talk about it, and especially don’t want to discuss it with you.”
“You’ve got to talk with me or with someone else. But believe me, you shouldn’t bring it up with Rain because she’s about to lead a rebellion. She’s so protective about Alex…and she isn’t happy. Because Alex doesn’t want to be treated like a sick person, because she isn’t. She has some difficulties, okay, but that does not exclude her from having a normal life like mine or yours. She needs that, she needs to find someone, someone who cares about her.”
“I can’t be that person, Liam.”
“Well, you should know that Rain is going to help her find that someone who knows how to appreciate her as she is, for her qualities, and what she knows how to give. And I’m going to help her.”
I feel my jaw go rigid and my muscles stretching painfully.
I don’t have the right, she never was mine and never will be, but I cannot imagine someone else touching her, kissing her or…
“Jay? It’s not too late. I know what happened to your mother really shook your world, that it was an enormous loss. But Alex is alright, she’s going to be okay.She’s not going to die.”
I don’t want to answer him, not now, not with these contrasting sentiments fighting it out in my chest.
