Rain sits in silence for a minute before going on.
“You never forget your first love.”
“We were only friends.” I rebuff her idea.
“Friends don’t kiss,” Erin adds enthusiastically.
“I tried, I went out with some others. I had Conor, and you know how that went…”
“Conor was a real idiot.”
She’s right. Conor was an idiot and the year we spent together did nothing but confirm my theory that no one will ever want to really be by my side and that I’m not made to do certain things.
“Maybe you should see someone, go out, have fun…maybe with someone who knows nothing about you, what you’ve been through,” Erin suggests.
“What should I do, throw myself into some guy’s arms to test out if my heart can take it?”
“You know full well that it could take it, Alex, we’ve already talked about this. What happened to you was casual, it didn’t happen because of that. The doctors have explained this to you, haven’t they? It would have happened anyway. And until you put your hat in the game, you’ll never be free from this conviction that you have.”
“And you’re well now, aren’t you? Everything’s under control, the medication is helping,” Erin adds, looking at me hopefully.
“Mmm-uhm,” I mumble before standing up with my tray, bringing it away.
I turn quickly and run right intohischest and barely manage to hold on to the tray and avoid spilling everything all over his shirt.
“Hey…” I say, dying of embarrassment. I hope he didn’t hear any of that stupid conversation. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”
Jason smiles at me as my legs try to abandon me.
“Allow me,” he says taking the tray from my hands and setting it on the counter.
“What are you doing here?”
“I went to visit my father and we went to get something at the cafeteria. Your father told me that you were here with the girls and since I was already in the area, I came to see if you needed a ride back to Howth.”
I bite my lip nervously as he continues looking at me.
“Were you going some place?”
Anyplace where you are not.
“Ehm.. no, I’ve finished everything I need to do today.”
“May I take you home?”
“No thanks.” I cut it short, gathering my things and leaving the building, nodding at Rain and Erin in goodbye before he decides to follow me.
I speed up my pace to get out into the fresh air as soon as possible, where I can breathe away from everyone, and I reckon it will help me slow things down a bit. If we keep meeting like this, I’m not going to last very long.
I walk up O’Connell Street with my thoughts all in a jumble. I can’t do this, I can’t allow it, I have to find a way out. It’s useless trying to avoid him, I have to find another solution.
Maybe Erin’s advice wasn’t so bad, maybe I should throw myself out there, find someone who knows nothing about me. Someone who does not elicit certain emotions, and especially someone who will not suffer because of me.
Someone who isn’t him.
Pathetic, right? A twenty-three-year-old woman who isn’t able to have any kind of relationship, who has never had sex, who can’t find someone who wants to be with her, without provoking a fainting spell, some kind of malice or even a stroke.
I could do it, I could try, without anxiety, without fear. After all, what is it all about, just sex, right? Thousands of people do it every day, why shouldn’t I? Maybe I’d even enjoy just that moment and feel like a normal girl, just like the others.
Could feel myself, my body, let myself act on instinct.
I could feel alive again.
