My father sighs and leaves his fork on his plate. He watches me a few seconds and then starts to tell me about her.
“Your mother was stupendous, the only woman I ever really loved, and I am not ashamed to tell you that I had a lot of women in my day, Jason, because when I laid eyes on her, everything changed.
“My entire life changed. I thought I had time, years ahead of me to make her happy and so I missed out on a lot of occasions. Restlessness, the desire to be successful…they pulled me away from her so many times…” he says, drying a tear. “And when I understood that I was risking losing her I tried to put the pieces back together, to slow down, to be at her side, to be at both your sides.”
His words are infused with bitterness and resentment and I’m sorry, damn it, he doesn’t deserve it, not even him.
“She loved you, Dad, no matter what. She never stopped loving you and she was…was happy.”
He looks at me for a few minutes and the silence wraps itself around my words, almost as if he needed time to take them in, to really believe it.
“I disappointed her,” he says in a sigh. “I disappointed you both.”
I move the leg of the stool and slowly get up and go to the opposite side. I feel an obligation to lift this weight off his shoulders. I hug him and rest my head on his shoulder.
This is new for both of us.
“She was happy and so was I. She loved us and would not want to see us this way.”
I don’t know where these words are coming from, but as I hear myself pronouncing them, I feel lighter, freer.
“We’re still a family, even without her.”
My father hugs me a bit more and I can feel his tears falling. He’s still so frail from this loss that I ask myself if he’ll ever get over it.
Then he breaks off and gives me a pat on the back, inviting me to take my place at the counter and eat.
“Let me tell you something, Jason,” he starts, drinking a sip of wine. “There nothing more important than love in life. Money, women, success…all bullshit. You can do without most anything, but not the arms of the person you love. Don’t make the same mistakes I did, don’t make music the only thing there is in your life. Don’t concentrate everything you have on yourself. Don’t refuse others, and more than anything, don’t deny yourself love.”
Is this really my father speaking?
“I can’t afford it, Dad. It’s too complicated.”
“Life is complicated, Jason, but that’s not a reason why we should refuse to live it.”
I shake my head to chase away the idea that is creeping into my brain.
“Who is it?” he asks me out of the blue and I pretend not to understand.
“Who is who?” I reply, chewing quickly enough to make me choke.
“I wasn’t born yesterday, Jason. I know that look.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I say vaguely.
“Have you seen her again?”
The fork falls from my hand, making a dull noise that rings in growing silence that befalls us after his words.
I’ve got a cold sweat. I need to drink something so I don’t choke on my food. I gulp down a few swigs of beer but I can still feel his eyes on me.
“I know it’sher, Jason. It always has been. You know, love can happen at any age and sometimes, the first love, the one everyone says you never forget, remains the only one.”
—
ALEX
“And so this is where you hide…”
