I’ve been trying to keep my distance and not even
look at her. I know there was another appointment
with the gynecologist, Rain told me about it, but
after the other night, I don’t have the courage even
to look at her. I’m afraid of seeing pity or
compassion in her eyes or worse yet, disrespect.
After my stupid confession I went away to
avoid facing the argument, being analyzed or to
stop giving her false hope, by making her believe
that there is something behind this facade of mine
to grab onto. I don’t want her to get it into her head
that she can save me or fix me, that I’m able to
change. That she might think I’m capable of
loving. I’d like to ask her how her appointment
went, what the doctor said. I’d like to … ah, shit.
I’m losing control. I can’t let it happen. I can’t let
myself be dragged into something so big and so far
from me and what I have always been.
“Nothing. I’m just agitated,” I reply to Jay’s
question, asking me what’s wrong.
“No one to pass the time with after work?” he
asks facing me head on, making fun of me.
Someone to spend a bit of time with?
There are at least five people here tonight who
are worth noticing, but only one that means
anything to me. And she’s not among the five I just
mentioned.
I jump on stage against my will, for tonight I’m
not able to concentrate on anything, I’ve managed
to break four glasses. What the hell. I need to calm
