Nora drew a shaky breath and laid her head on his shoulder.“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for this, so I guess we best tell Nurse Abbott to get our mums.”
He squeezed her in a side hug, and she’d swear he kissed the top of her head.“Hold Tristan so he doesn’t dart out the door while I notify her.”
Tristan didn’t protest too loudly when she cradled him in her arms, but his plaintive yowl declared he expected a can of sardines as repayment for his kindness.
Ezekiel returned a few minutes later with water and a damp rag.“I thought you might like to wipe your face before your ma comes.You’ll always be beautiful to me, but it is obvious you’ve been crying.”
“Trying to charm me while saying I look awful?”She accepted the rag, and the coolness felt good against the heat of her puffy face.
“Not awful, just heartbroken, and there’s nothing wrong with showing it.Hiding your pain and thoughts doesn’t make you a stronger person.It makes life lonelier to walk through.”
“Would you mind to play the piano while Mum and I talk?I haven’t decided what to say, but I’d like a veil of privacy from Nurse Abbott.”
“It would be my honor.Maybe I can even get Ma to help me.”His wan smile reminded her of his own grief.
He was a good man to comfort her while contending with his own troubles.She squeezed his hand.“I pray it will spark something in her and be the start of healing.”
“Thank you.I’ll be praying it as well.”
They continued to sit there, silent companions upon a sea of grief, buoying one another in the face of certain loss.
Chapter Twenty-One
NURSEABBOTT BARELY ALLOWED FORa half-hour visit, and Ezekiel wanted nothing more than to fight her for more time.The panic in Nora’s face when Nurse Abbott told Mrs.Davis it was time to go was as crushing as finding Ma in her room.Helplessness overwhelmed him as he watched Nora cling to her ma and sob as hard as she had in his arms.Over and over she declared how much she loved Mrs.Davis, and pleaded for her to get better because Nora needed her.Mrs.Davis had clung just as hard, her words indecipherable over Nora’s repeated ones.How could anyone with a beating heart separate them?Even Nurse Abbott had been frozen by the display.
It was Ma who eventually stepped forward and gently pulled Nora from Mrs.Davis.“‘The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart.’Be at peace, dear.God has given you Ezekiel to take care of you.”She shifted Nora into his arms, and gave him the you-better-do-it-right look.“And I’ll take care of your ma for as long as I’m here.”
Nora’s watery eyes looked to him for confirmation.Or maybe hope.Comfort?Strength?Quite possibly all of it, but he felt as bereft and in shock as she.
Was Ma’sas long as I’m herea reference to her length of stay at Longview before returning home to him, or a reference to her not coming home at all?
“Ma, I love you.Please, still be here the next time I come.Remember, ‘God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.’”His usual goodbye felt desperate.
She patted his arm.“I enjoyed playing with you again.You two”—she nodded toward Nora—“write beautiful music together.”She gave his arm a final squeeze, then joined Nurse Abbott and Mrs.Davis.
“That had better not be a forever goodbye, Ma.”
She didn’t acknowledge him but petted Tristan perched on the settee a few times before closing the door on her exit.His chest constricted.Had he too just had his last conversation with Ma?He’d redirected her comments to happier things while they’d played, but she kept returning to speaking of her life’s end and wanting to rush through heaven’s gates.Heaven was indeed a place to look forward to, but not this way.Not in entering through premature means.
The general opinion of others didn’t support the idea that heaven was possible for those who killed themselves.But Ma loved Jesus, without a doubt.Her soul was in His hands, and eternity with Him promised.If salvation covered all past, present, and future sins, then even suicide must be forgiven.It was testament only to a moment of weakness, not to the state of her soul.
At least that was the hope he clung to.He couldn’t entertain anything less.That and somehow Longview would pull her free of the darkness and provide her a light of hope for a future here on earth.He would not take Nurse Abbott’s quiet notification that Ma had been moved to a more closely watched ward as discouragement.They were doing all they could to help her.Just because Ma seemed to crawl deeper into the cave of despair didn’t mean she couldn’t still walk out.
Nora trembled in his arms, reminding him he was not the only one shaken.He settled them on the couch until they both could gain their bearings and leave.“Did you say what you wanted?”
She tucked into his side as if she belonged there and drew a shaky breath.“Yes and no.She told me she wanted to confess her sins to a priest, but they denied her one.They’re afraid it will validate herclaim to be Katherine Yates.I spent most of our time explaining how Christ is the one we confess to.He is the only one who can grant forgiveness.I don’t know if she understood, but maybe she’ll find peace even if she never gets better.”She swiped furiously at her tears.
“It’s okay to cry, Nora.This hurts, and frankly it is a little frightening, but at least we can lean in to each other and to God with this burden.May He preserve both our parents.”He hesitated before speaking again.He’d never been one to pray aloud, let alone with another person, but he desperately wanted to do this right.To fight for their parents in the only way left to them.“I know we should probably pray.That’s what they’d tell us if we were at church, but I don’t think I have the words.”
She chuckled.“You, not have the words?Thatisshocking.But I think we’re fine.Somewhere it says He hears the groanings of our hearts.We don’t have to say anything.We can just sit here and let our hearts groan together.”
The image it evoked brought a measure of comfort.“I like that.”
“Maybe for about two minutes.”
He wouldn’t argue with the tease.As much as the levity was a balm, he just didn’t have the energy.Nora was right.Sometimes all a person had was groans to offer up to God.It was a good thing God had written the language of the heart, because Ezekiel couldn’t even begin to translate how his hurt and grieved.
They stayed sitting in aching silence until Tristan decided he had an interest in the piano and sprinted down the keyboard with a discordant crash.
