“They put him out on the street. Because he didn’t want to go to Harvard.”
Caleb begins to swear. “I knew his father was an asshole, but... what the hell? How could he? Fuck!”
“I know. It’s awful.”
“What else did he say?” Caleb’s hands are wrapped around his glass so hard that his knuckles are white.
I hesitate for a moment, but then I tell him what Jase said. How he said it. How terrible it was to hear what he’d been through. Caleb grows paler with every word. He swears. A lot. And then he gets very quiet.
“He must hate me,” he whispers. “I let him down.”
“You didn’t know. How were you supposed to know?”
“But that’s exactly it! I ignored his messages and calls. Because seeing him kiss you broke my heart, even though it wasn’t his fault. I knew he didn’t feel anything for me. Fuck, he must really hate me.”
I hate myself.He doesn’t have to say it for me to know what he’s thinking.
“Caleb, stop it.”
He grimaces, and we go quiet. Caleb is the one who breaks the silence. He shakes his head like he’s trying to clear it, then smiles painfully. “Go on,” he says.
“Are you sure?”
“Very sure. How did you get from fighting to fucking?” His voice has a touch of humor. He’s trying to salvage the situation, but I guess there’s nothing left to save.
There are only things I need to say and that he needs to know.My face is burning with embarrassment, and I’m glad I have my glass to hold so I don’t start picking at my cuticles.
But the longer I talk, the more relaxed I get. Meanwhile, Caleb finishes his second drink.
“So?” he asks, stretching, when I’m finally finished. “How is that going?” He shrugs helplessly. “I’m sorry. I don’t really know what to say. Or how to react.” He breaks off, and I squeeze his hand.
“I know. I don’t either. This is all so crazy. I have no idea. It could be that nothing else happens between us. But if it does, I don’t want to keep it a secret from you. Because maybe—”
“Maybe your heart still wants him after all, and if he feels the same way, then you don’t want me to feel weird. Right? Because my sister might get together with my former best friend, who I was in love with?” Caleb helps me out, looking about as overwhelmed as I feel.
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Yes. That’s about it.”
Caleb swallows hard. “Well, I’d be lying if I said it made me overjoyed. But it’s okay. Honestly. As long as you’re all right, I’m okay with it.”
“Really?”
“I promise. Then... you’re fine? With everything?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I feel good even. I feel...” I falter. My heart is beating too fast again. “Very good.” I make a choked sound that’s somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “It felt so... incredible.”
All at once, tears well up in my eyes. Jase has given me something that I thought I could never have. A first time that I can remember—that Iwantto remember.
“Hey, Zoe.” Caleb puts his glass down on the coffee table and scoots over to me. “Don’t cry.”
He hugs me so tightly that I can’t breathe for a moment. I bury my face against his shoulder, and then I do cry. I can’t stop, no matter how hard I try to pull myself together. My brother murmurs soothing words to me, but I don’t understand a single one of them.
* * *
It’s late when I get back to the dorm, and I’m exhausted. The day has worn me out in a way that demands a hot bath, a pot of herbal tea, and twelve hours of sleep. But my alarm clock is going to ring in less than seven hours, my eyes are swollen from crying, and my nose is blocked.
I have countless unread texts from Mae. She’s probably worried because I skipped a theory lesson and she hasn’t seen me since I followed Jase after the pas de deux class. But I don’t have the energy to answer her now or go to her room.
I kick off my shoes as soon as I’m inside and slip into my nightshirt. I’m halfway to bed when there’s a soft, hesitant knock at my door. My heart leaps, and I hurry to answer it, not thinking. I open it, and there he is. My legs go weak with relief. His hair is messy, and he looks tired, but his eyes are wide awake.
