East promised me he’d ask around, but he didn’t sound very optimistic. After spending the last two hours searching for jobs online, I’m not either. Every job I find, either I’m not qualified enough for, the work hours interfere with my classes, or the job is so badly paid that I’d end up having to spend the entire paycheck on the commute.
My mood is at an all-time low when I return to the dorm. Then I see Zoe standing at my door, just about to knock, and the words “all-time low” take on a completely new meaning. I want to turn around and disappear before she notices me, but of course it’s too late.
A shy smile appears on her face when she sees me, and my body tenses.Fuck.
There are reasons why I’ve been avoiding her for the last few days. They have a lot to do with her smile. And the way her hands felt in mine. And the way she leaned against me. How fast her heart was beating, not because she was scared, but... Yeah. I don’t know why, and I really don’t want to know.
Liar.
“What do you want?” I ask before she can open her mouth and say something I don’t want to hear.
“Can we talk?”
“No, I don’t have time.”
She takes a step back, and the muscle in my chest complains, but I can’t pay any attention to that.
“Only for a minute. I want—”
“I don’t care what you want, Zoe,” I say, bluffing. “I’m not interested in what you have to say. Is that clear?”
She goes pale, and I hate myself for it, but I really don’t want to hear what she has to tell me. When she asks if we can talk, especially in that tone of voice, insecure and hopeful at the same time, I can tell it’s not going to be about ballet. It’s about us. But there’s no such thing as “us,” and it can damn well stay that way.
How does that feel?
It feels like you.
Her words have been haunting me all week, just like the feeling of my fingers on her skin and the way my body reacted. Not the way it should have.
“Are you serious?” Her expression hardens, her nails dig into her palms, and she shudders. I hate everything about this, but at the same time, it’s exactly what I need.
“Do I look like I’m joking?”
“You look like you’re acting like a jerk.”
I laugh. “Not my problem. Get used to it, or don’t bother.”
She shakes her head in disbelief, opens her mouth, and closes it again.
I push past her and open the door.
“What about our practice session? Is that out too? Or don’t you care about the scholarship anymore?”
I turn around. She has her arms crossed over her chest, and her eyes flash with anger. Anger is good. I can deal with anger. Better than the damn closeness that she’s trying to build up. Unfortunately, she’s right. I can’t cancel the extra practice session, even though I’d love to. We need to improve.Sheneeds to improve, and there’s no other way.
“We can do it tomorrow,” I say, because I don’t have the nerves for it today. I don’t wait for her to answer, just slam the door firmly behind me. What a fucking awful day.
Chapter 21
Zoe
Do you know that feeling when you feel nothing and everything at the same time? I’m a mess at the moment, and I have no idea why or what I can do about it.
—P
I’m such an idiot. How did I ever think it would be a good idea to try to talk to Jase? Because things went reasonably well between us one time? Because I didn’t panic the last time he touched me? Because I feel guilty? That’s so stupid.
I know that I screwed up, and so did Caleb. Jase is right to be angry, but if he can’t even give me the chance to talk about it... I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.
