Heading his way, I push past a group of girls sitting on the floor. One is crying, two are trying to comfort her, and another looks like she’s about to throw up at any moment.
“There you are,” East says with a wide grin. He grabs my hand and puts an arm around my shoulder before letting go of me and giving Skye a hug. “I was wondering if you changed your mind.”
“Nah.” I shrug, and East hands me a bottle of beer. He’s three years older than me, and because he’s responsible for the music at The Lighthouse most nights, anything he wants is brought up here for him. I’ve never seen him or any of the other guys lining up for drinks at the bar downstairs.
“Sorry, that’s my fault. Getting ready took me a little longer than I thought.” Skye blows a dark curl off her forehead and looks around.
East gives me a meaningful glance and points to his friends, who are lounging on beanbags in the back corner of the balcony and talking. We can’t hear them over the music.
“Jax is back there with the others,” he says to Skye. She doesn’t even blush. I’m not the only one who wants to forget somethinghere. She winks at East, kissing him on the cheek and leaving a red lipstick print, and strides over to the boys, her hips swaying.
Colin, Jax, and Beck are almost always here when East is DJing. The four of them have known each other since kindergarten. They discovered their love of music together and eventually formed their own band.
They’re sometimes allowed to do live shows here when the owner of The Lighthouse remembers that it’s mainly thanks to East that his club is doing so well. The band may not have made it yet, but in the meantime, they’ve gotten so well-known here that certain girls sneak up to the balcony to at least create the illusion that they’ve spent the night with someone almost famous.
“Are you okay? Looks like something’s going on.” East crosses his arms over his chest and sizes me up a little too scrutinizingly.
“Zoe’s at the ballet school,” I say before my brain can stop me. What a dumb idea, to tell East, of all people. He’s the only one who knows everything. Telling him was impossible to avoid, considering he saved my ass by taking me in last summer. I talked a lot in the first few weeks I lived with him. I still don’t know why I told him so much, but I did.
“Oh, shit.” He gives me a look of sympathy. “How are you dealing with that?”
I shrug. “I’m not interested,” I say, lying. East’s eyebrows rise skeptically. He doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. I wouldn’t believe me either, in his position. If I wasn’t interested, I wouldn’t have mentioned it, would I have?
“Jase—”
“Don’t you have to work?” I say, pointing at the DJ board.
He hesitates for a moment, then drops it. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
I nod noncommittally, chug the last of my beer, and go downstairs, shoving my way through all the bodies until I’m swallowed up by the crowd. I close my eyes, and my body moves all by itself in rhythm to the music, following the pounding bass. I let myself fall into the music and the night, into the forgetting.
I only open my eyes when a girl presses her butt against my crotch. She gives me a lazy look over her shoulder that promises everything, and when I make no move to resist, she turns around and wraps both arms around me. I let her put her lips on mine and hope it will work this time.
For more than a year, I’ve been trying to erase it, to make it unhappen—that one kiss that I can’t forget. It never works. It’s burned irrevocably into my system.
I realize immediately that it’s not going to work today either. Everything feels wrong, and I back away. The girl frowns irritably, but I don’t say a word. I want to slap myself, because it’s ridiculous that I can’t forget one damn kiss. Zoe still haunts me, and I can’t help thinking about how she took the note from me.
I’m sure that when I come back later, the note will be slipped under my door. With an answer. And maybe also with a secret.
I make my way back to campus because it was a mistake to even come here today. It was clear that it wouldn’t do me any good.
Before
Zoe
One year earlier
June25, 3:09 PM
I push one dress after another along the rail, but I’m not focused on what I’m doing. I’m still thinking about Caleb’s graduation. Caleb, my parents, and Jase. Jase, whose parents didn’t come to his graduation.
“Zoe, have you made up your mind yet?” Charlotte brings me rudely back to the present. I suppress a sigh, choose a dress blindly, and turn around to see the annoyed look on her face. She’s impatiently tapping her toe on the floor.
“Yes, I have,” I say, plastering a beaming smile on my face that feels completely fake.
“Great!” Her face brightens, and she twirls around in a graceful pirouette, always showing off that she’s a ballerina, and dances over to Amber and Scarlett. I follow her, even though I actually just want to go home. This shopping trip was a terrible idea.
“So, are you ready?” Charlotte pushes a lock of black hair behind her ear and points at the changing rooms.
