I blink. I can’t move. I stare at him. And I understand.
I have to say something, anything, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is one quiet word. “Fuck.”
“Yeah, exactly,” Caleb says sarcastically. “Kind sucked seeing the two of you make out.”
“Caleb, I’m sorry—”
“Don’t,” he says and puts his hands over his face, looking exhausted. “You don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. Basically, I knew that you didn’t feel the same way. I was just insanely good at lying to myself. Okay, and I really had no clue that you were into my little sister.”
I don’t know what to say. My mind is completely blank. My best friend had feelings for me, and I was—am—in love with his sister. What do you even say to that?
“That night when I saw you, I ran away because it broke my heart. Zoe followed me, and we both cried for a long time. And then we got drunk. And then... everything got much worse.”
“What happened wasn’t your fault,” I say, hoping he already knows that. But sometimes you just need to hear it.
“Yes, I know.” He sighs.
“But?”
“I’ve been wondering for a year if it could have been different, if I’d taken better care of her. If I’d brought her home instead of leaving her at Charlotte’s.”
“She’d already spent the night with Charlotte hundreds of times. She slept there after every party. You couldn’t have known. And you couldn’t have changed anything.”
Caleb doesn’t look convinced. But after a while, he nods anyway. “Afterward... I couldn’t talk to you. Not only because I had no clue what to say. I couldn’t tell you that I was in love with you. I couldn’t say anything. Zoe didn’t want anyone to find out what happened. She didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. And I couldn’t have lied to you. It was easier with the others. They spent the whole summer in Europe and didn’t hear a thing. Except for Tristan. He helped me take Zoe to the hospital, but he never asked what happened. With you, it would have been different. You—”
“I would have asked.”
Caleb nods. “You did too. It was shitty of me not to answer your calls or messages. And it was shitty that no one answered when you came to the door. It was just... easier. As awful as that sounds, it was. It was a clean cut, for all of us.”
I stare at my cup and take another sip, but this time it makes my eyes water. Yes, it was easier. For them. And a thousand times more terrible for me. The fact that I understand now doesn’t change that. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.
“I needed you,” I say.
“I know. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
Zoe told him everything; I know without him having to say it. Those two don’t keep secrets from each other. I’m glad not to have to tell him the whole fucking story.
I look into Caleb’s eyes. They’re a different color than Zoe’s, but I can see a lot of her in him anyway.
“What happens next?”
“I don’t know. We wait.”
“That’s not what I meant. I meant with you and me and Zoe.”
Caleb smiles, and it’s genuine. “Well, I hope that you make her happy and that you can be there for her. If not, unfortunately, I’ll have to kick your ass.”
I grin. “Noted.”
“And for me...” Caleb blushes. “Things won’t go back to the way they were. But I’d like to go back to being friends again at some point. And you can get to know Parker too. My boyfriend.”
I just nod. My throat feels constricted, and I feel a familiar prickling in my eyes.
“I missed you, man,” I say hoarsely, because it’s the truth. And because I’m tired of pushing everyone away. Of losing the people who are important to me. I want my best friend back.
A hopeful gleam appears in his eyes.
“Me too.”
