I slowly dry myself and then put on sweatpants and Dad’s old Harvard hoodie, which is too big for me. My fingers are still shaking as I weave my damp hair into two thick braids. The girl in the mirror looks young. Much younger than I am. Her eyes are wide, and she’s so pale that the freckles stand out against her skin. But the look in her eyes is determined.
I turn away from my reflection and leave the bathroom. Jase is downstairs with my parents and Caleb. I can hear their quiet voices, but I can’t understand what they’re saying. I don’t have to. I know it’s about me.
The stairs squeak as I walk down, following the scent of chocolate chip pancakes. My stomach is growling. My family is sitting in the living room, Mom and Dad on the sofa, Caleb in the armchair, and Jase cross-legged on the floor. The sight is so familiar that I start to tear up again, but I bite my lower lip so I don’t sob.
Dad notices me first. A gentle smile appears on his face, but it doesn’t cover his worry. He looks just as tired as the other three.
“Hey, sweetie,” he says. “How are you?”
I just shrug, because I don’t have a real answer. I don’t know how I am, besides obviously not good. I feel so empty. Mom turns to me. Her eyes are red like she’s been crying all night, and now they’re wet again, but she manages to smile. “Do you want something to eat?”
I nod, and Mom gets up and guides me to her spot on the couch, and a moment later, there’s a plate in front of me on the coffee table. Caleb and Jase watch silently as I choke down a few bites. I can’t taste anything, and after three tries, my throat closes, and I can’t get any more down. I push the plate away and pull up my legs, biting my lip and tasting blood as the wound from yesterday opens. I hesitate.
I know what I want. I know what I have to do. For myself.
I look up, and my gaze falls on Jase. Of course. Always. He gives me a small, encouraging smile. He knows what I want to say.
I take a deep breath and spit it out.
“Mom, Dad? Will you go with me to the police?”
* * *
But we don’t get that far. Dad is upstairs changing, Mom is talking to her lawyer on the phone, and Caleb, Jase, and I are still sitting in the living room when the doorbell rings.
Caleb and Jase exchange an alarmed glance as my stomach cramps up.
Mom and Dad canceled all their meetings and appointments. It’s Sunday, so it can’t be the mailman. That only leaves... I have no idea. I’m not sure if I even want to know.
Caleb heaves himself out of the chair. “I’ll get it,” he says unnecessarily. I’m certainly not going to go, and Mom is on the phone and didn’t notice. I just nod and watch as he disappears into the hall.
“Hey.” I turn to Jase when I hear his soft voice. He’s sitting next to me on the sofa now; I didn’t even notice he was there.
“Hey.” I manage a painful smile and reach for his hand, because I need it. I need his touch. I need the feel of his skin. Our fingers intertwine, and his eyes flash with relief. I know what he’s thinking because I’ve thought about it too. He’s afraid I might not want to be touched by him anymore. That the panic will come back. The trembling. That everything will start over again from the beginning.
But right now, at least, it’s not happening. At this moment, I can breathe better just because he’s touching me. Right now, he’s keeping me from falling apart.
“Zoe?” Caleb’s voice. He sounds different, and I can’t quite figure out what it is. Stunned? Incredulous? Maybe both.
Jase and I both turn to him at once. My brother is standing inthe doorway, pale and wide-eyed. Behind him are two uniformed police officers with serious expressions on their faces.
I feel cold. My fingers dig into Jase’s hand so hard I’m sure I’m hurting him, but he doesn’t make a sound, doesn’t pull away. Instead, he squeezes my hand tighter. I can feel the tension in his body. It’s a reflection of my own. I want to ask why they’re here, but I can’t make a sound.
Caleb’s chest heaves visibly as he takes a breath. “Zoe, the police would like to speak to you. Reed turned himself in.”
Chapter 52
Jase
Losing Caleb felt almost as bad as losing Sam, but in a different way—even though it’s impossible to compare. But he was always there for me, and then from one day to the next, he wasn’t.
—Jase
Zoe and her parents went with the police officers to the station, while Caleb and I stayed here. I wanted to go with them, and letting her go without me almost felt like tearing myself in half. I know it’s right that just her parents are with her, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
Reed, that bastard, turned himself in. He went to the police and admitted what he’d done. That’s why Caleb couldn’t find him.
“Here.” I look up as Caleb hands me a cup, which I accept. I take a sip without bothering to see what it is and almost choke as the sharp taste of whiskey hits me, mixed with coffee, cream, and sugar.
