When Charlie sees me, I don’t even register that it’s her with her downcast expression. Her eyes bore into me with concern, but I can’t even speak as I open my textbook and watch the words float off the page.
“You’re worrying me, Rose.”
I can hear my friend, but every sound is like drowning—muffled and gurgling to my ears.
“Rose!”
I watch as the book before me takes shape, transforming into something ambiguous as it sucks me in further. There’s a sharp, pinching sensation in the foreground, but I can’t make out what it is as I become lost to the hallucination.
A hard smack to my cheek snaps me out of it, and I blink.
“What are you doing?!” Charlie hisses before her hands fumble over my textbook.
I finally see what the faint pain is, and my stomach rebels as I dig my mechanical pencil’s point into the center of my shredded palm. Charlie snatches it from me, causing me tofinally look at her.
Her face falls, and I swear I see tears welling in her eyes. “Rose, are you okay?”
My bottom lip wobbles as my voice becomes a deathly faint whisper. “No…”
Seeing my best friend’s expression is like witnessing a silent cry—her gaze becomes entirely focused on me as her thick brows tighten in worry. Her pupils dilate, and there’s a tension in her face that I can’t place. It’s like she’s seeing under the hard, unrelenting surface of my being, and picking out the dead and dormant parts of myself that I can’t mend.
It’s exposing.
I already feel vulnerable enough, but I can’t hide what’s happening to me. I’ve been unraveled—pulled apart at the very seams that bind me.
“Rose…” Charlie mumbles sadly.
“I’m okay,” my voice wavers, and I feel off balance as my hands grip the edge of my desk.
She doesn’t believe me, and I don’t blame her. I’m sure I look deranged as I fight to keep my composure. I’m losing my grip on reality, and I can only smile as I try to convince myself that I’m fine.
I’m anything but fine.
I’m losing myself.
“Talk to me,” Charlie urges in a whisper. Her hand inches onto my desk, desperate to grab my own in a comforting gesture. “Please, Rose.”
My gaze flickers between her eyes as the smile slips from my face. That familiar, crushing weight settles over me again, clawing at my limbs. I let my expression melt, the exhaustion seeping through every part of me.“I’m so tired, Charlie…”
Her head tilts as her bottom lip wobbles. I’m not trying to make her cry, but as tears roll down her cheeks, it breaks my heart. “I know…”
I smile past the broken fragments. “No, you don’t.”
Charlie didn’t let me out of her sight for the rest of the day. I didn’t speak, but she didn’t need me to. She stood over me like a watchdog, warning anyone who dared to come close.
It was nice to have her presence, but as I walk my path back home, my mind wanders. I can’t even focus on the warming summer weather or the cracked asphalt beneath my feet.
I’m in limbo—somewhere between life and death. I don’t think I’m present, but I’m also not completely gone. It’s as if I ceased to exist, seeing everything from a corporeal body that’s constantly floating above me.
I’m not upset or happy. I’m just…here.
Floating.
I’m so distracted by my state that I don’t notice the Corolla parked in the driveway as I step onto the porch of my home. The danger doesn’t register until I shuffle into the living room and close the door behind me.
“You know, Rosalie…”
Dad’s voice sends needles down my spine as my shoulders tense. I slowly turn towards the kitchen, gulping when I see him holding up the Juilliard pamphlet.
