“It’s not really about what to call myself. It’s everything around it.”
“Such as?”
The words tumbled out in a rush. “Coming out, not coming out. Nix has been out for years, and he knows who he is. I don’t want to make him feel like he has to hide being with me.”
Logan nodded once.
“Then there’s the public shit,” I said. “The media, the fans. The spotlight. Reporters sticking mics in our faces, and people dissecting everything we do. How close we stand, where our hands are, how we look at each other. You name it, and it’s out there. If we even hint we’re more than friends, it will explode.”
“Probably,” Logan said. “Most of us survive it.”
“I don’t know how to handle that. Not because I’m ashamed, but it’ll be a seismic shift. And what if Nix—” My voice cracked.
Logan didn’t say anything, just waited for me to go on.
“That’s not even the worst part,” I said. “People will wonder if I’ve been lying my whole life. Teammates, friends, family. What the hell do I tell them?”
Logan was still silent. He probably knew there was something else and was giving me space to say it.
“What scares me most is… I know Nix likes me, but he’s had years to be sure of his identity. I’m the guy who’s just now figuring it out.” My voice trembled. “What if he wakes up one day and realizes he wants someone who isn’t such a project?”
Logan’s gaze sharpened. “That’s not the real fear, though, is it?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Say the real one, then.”
I stared at my hands. “My ex cheated. You know that.”
“Yes.”
“It fucked me up. Ever since I found out, I’ve been scared it was my fault. Maybe if I’d been more or better, or just different, she wouldn’t have needed to go looking.” My cheeks burned with old shame, and I still couldn’t meet Logan’s eyes. “I wasn’t enough, somehow, and she got bored. Maybe the sex wasn’t good enough. Something wasn’t right, for sure.”
“Shewasn’t right,” Logan said. “But go on.”
“Now there’s Nix. I like him so much. I keep thinking maybe I’m not good enough for him either. What if he gets bored? Finds someone more experienced? Someonebetter?”
“Look at me, Packy.”
I hesitated, then lifted my eyes.
“You and Nico didn’t get here overnight. It’s only been a few weeks, but this started years ago.”
I nodded. “In college. We never did anything, but something was always there.”
“And now youaredoing something. You’re not college kids anymore.”
“No,” I said. “Definitely not.”
Logan leaned forward. “I went through this with Riley. I’m gay, and he’d thought he was straight all his life, like you.”
“I remember.”
“I’ll bet a week’s salary that Nico doesn’t want some version of you with everything perfectly figured out. He wants you the way you are. He needs you to walk into his life and take his heart prisoner because you can’t stay away.”
I swallowed because the sudden lump in my throat made it impossible to speak.
“As for coming out,” Logan went on, “that’s not something you have to solve today. Relationships don’t start with press conferences; they begin with honesty between two people. Fuck everyone else.”
