The silence is frosty—I should have brought a fucking jumper. Egbert waits patiently, resting on the arm of Aleksi’s chair, rather than sitting on his own. Probably because it’s easier to jump up and break up a fight that way. Willan is like a statue beside me, one ankle resting on his knee, hand possessively on my thigh. The arrogance would be hot if I didn’t feel queasy from the nerves pummeling my stomach.
Once the pause stretches too long, Egbert clears his throat, raising his eyebrows at Aleksi in a not so subtle hint to tell him to get on with it. I wonder what life would have been like if Egbert had lived up on the mountain with us, providing some kind of positive role model and authority figure for us. Probably very different.
Aleksi takes the hint.
“I’ve been told—” Egbert coughs, loudly, bumping the chair with his butt. Aleksi takes thesecondhint and corrects himself. “I’vecome to understand,” he looks to Egbert who gives him a small nod. “That I owe you an apology—both of you—for my behaviour yesterday.”
He sounds like he’s chewing glass, but I’ll give him the barest credit for trying—mostly because I don’t care about his apology. I’m only here for Willan.
“Willan, I never meant—I don’t want—” He curses, scrubbing a hand over his face. Willan doesn’t crack, just watches his brother unflinchingly. “I’m sorry. For everything. For the way I’ve treated you. The way you were made to feel by the clan because of the way they treated me. I should have protected you. I should have done better. I should have been your brotherfirst, all the other bullshit second.” He laughs humourlessly, “or probably not at all.”
The teeniest, tiniest piece of me feels bad for Aleksi, because I believe he’s being genuine. I know when he’s lying, and the raw honesty in his eyes is the truth. And Willan isn’t giving him anything, he’s just staring his brother down. Brutal.
Nodding with a shaky breath, Aleksi turns to me. It’s my turn apparently. “I can’t take it back, Nikolo. I can’t. I’ve told myself all kinds of things to try and justify it. But thereisno justifying it. I betrayed you. In the worst possible ways. You were the brother Ichoseand I still never protected you. And then, I let everyone turn their backs on you.” His eyes cut to Egbert and Willan before meeting mine again. “Well, not everyone I guess.”
“You knew.” Willan’s voice is stone cold. This isn’t his sexy and stern teacher voice—I never,everwant to be the receiving end of this voice. It would cut me to the core. Aleksi’s head tips as he tries to figure out exactly what Willan’s referring to. “You knew Nikolo had turned before you came here, before you saw him. You weren’t shocked bythat, just that he was here. You knew where he was working, what he does for a job. Did you also know what he went through? After he left? When he was alone?”
Aleksi visibly blanches. I can see him mentally calculating how much of the truth to admit to, and what the cost is for not being one hundred percent honest.
“Not…not until after. Not until I was admitted into the council. That’s when I learnt everything. From his parentsandthe council. They, uh, like to keep track of our clan mates, even if… even if they aren’t one of us anymore.”
“Right.” Every ounce of Willan’s contempt, for Aleksi, for the council, for the whole damned Mazheri clan fills that single word.
Well, fuck me sideways. Tears glisten in Aleksi’s eyes before he blinks them back. The fucker is finally facing the slightest consequence of his actions. It must hurt. And, really, it should.
Okay, apparently I’m not entirely as chill and forgiving as I want to be.
As though he’s scared it might be the last time he ever does it, Aleksi looks at Willan. Possibly seeing the actual man he’s become for the very first time. After a moment he nods, and sucks his teeth.
“I know you don’t care about my opinion, but for what it’s worth, I think this.” Aleksi nods towards us. “This is good. For you both. It’s what I always thought would happen. Only a little differently, of course. I thought you were going to fucking kill me when he was sent away. Before… before that, I always thought that you two would be it for each other.” He flashes Willan a tight, straight lipped smile. “It’s why I tried so hard to keep you two apart. I figured if you two ever figured it out, you’d both leave me behind.” Rubbing his nose with the back of his hand, he shakes his head.
“I was a shit brother, to both of you. I always knew it, but Egbert has really taken the time to drill into me just how bad I fucked up. I can’t take it back, but I can try to do things differently going forward. I don’t want to lose you, Willan—but I understand if that’s what has to happen. However you want this to look between us, between the clan. I’ll do whatever I can to make it work, and to make it up to you.” He faces me again and my stomach drops. “I can’t speak on behalf of the council, but Nikolo… if you ever want to come back to the mountain, I’ll do everything in my power to make it happen.”
Willan grips my thigh so tight, white dots form around his finger tips. Before I speak, I take a second to get my thoughts in order. “It’s funny, only months ago I would have felt like I could give you a definite answer—fuck no.” There’s a quiet ripple of laughter all round from my honesty. “But now, I can’t say anything so definitive. I’ve got a long ass life ahead of me—hopefully with Willan by my side.” I look to the man beside me,watching me with open adoration on his face. I place my hand over his on my thigh, massaging away the tension in his fingers. “Clinging to one idea of how my life is going to look isn’t healthy. I know that. But I also know thatright now, my answer is no. But for me, the door is closed—not locked. With time—lots of time—maybe.”
Out of the corner of my eye I check on Willan, watching him nod in agreement.
“Really, it’s more than I could have asked for. Definitely more than I deserve.” Aleksi’s mouth tightens again. “Yesterday, I—that was fucked up. I’m sorry.”
I wave him off, feeling Willan ready to go another round I don’t want to get into. “Don’t worry about it. You were always a massive dickhead when you were thrown a curve ball.”
Egbert has to half shove his fist in his mouth to stop from laughing. Thankfully, Aleksi laughs too, his loud bark relieving some of the tension brewing in the room.
“Yeah. I guess that’s another thing for me to work on. I’m sure between the three of you, you can make a list for me.”
“We’ll get right on it.” Willan dead pans, though I can feel him thawing against his will.
“Right, well. I’m heading back to the mountain first thing in the morning. I’ve got a hotel booked for the night, so you two can come back home.” It’s right on the tip of my tongue to tell him he didn’t have to do that, but I keep my mouth shut. “So this is goodbye, I guess.”
It’s awkward. There’s no hugs, there’s no forgiveness, there’s certainly no forgetting. It’s something like closure—or the beginnings of it at least, with the opportunity for something new in the future.
Egbert follows Aleksi out, leaving us alone in his apartment. Willan stares at the door for the longest time, while I rubhis back. I haven’t been where he is right now, but I’ve been somewhere similar and it’s a lot to process.
“What do we do now?” He asks eventually.
“Well, didn’t you say that you had those turning papers in your room? I could read them to you. We could get all hot and bureaucra-dickagain.” Shocked by my absurd—but totally legit—suggestion, Willan’s laughter takes him by surprise. He collapses into me with it, holding me tight around my waist, and smushing his face into my chest.
“I really fucking love you, Nikolo.” He squeezes me tight.
