Logically, I know that it’s probably no big deal. That it’s probably just that he’s seen me and the HVB’s on socials somewhere and wants to catch up.
Willan was only a year younger than me—two years younger than his brother—so he probably already knows the circumstances about why I ‘voluntarily’ left the clan. And we were friendly, if not exactly friends—his brother always made sure Willan never got caught up in our fuckery—so I doubt he’s here to drag me into whatever bullshit Aleksi might be into nowadays.
Not that I think that’s even possible. Egbert is one of the few beings I trust implicitly, and he’d never stand for his employee doing the kinds of shit Aleksi and I used to. He made that extremely clear when we got in contact all those years ago.
But it doesn’t matter.
Even after all these years, after all this time and all the effort I put into my personal growth, the idea of seeing him still makes my stomach cramp with horrible, violent anxiety.
It makes me feel like that same scared seventeen-year-old boy again, once again facing down the elders. All the shame, all the loneliness, all the pain of the rejection. It’s all there. Dimmer now, sure, but it’s a taste so familiar I don’t know if I can forget it.
The reasonable reaction would be to tell Kai how I feel. But that would mean telling him why I left. And while he knows some of the details, I’ve never given him all the specifics. And I can’t escape the growing fear that if he knows—if any of the beings at Bloody Temptations know—that they’ll look at me differently and somehow I’ll be different because of it. I’ll be the way that I was back then. Toxic, selfish, reckless.
And so I said it was fine. No biggie.
And now, it’s happening. Tonight. In only minutes, depending how long it takes for us to get to where they’re waiting for us.
Hearts Gate, the centuries old vampire club in the centre of Osneau is meant to be my happy place. It’s a sanctuary for our kind, a place where we can be ourselves, a place where we can be free of the judgemental or hateful, or even curious eyes of other beings.Weare the norm, not the exception. Bringing guests to the club is meant tomeansomething—it’s something that Kai and I haven’t ever done before. But we’re doing it tonight. Finn and all of his friends are joining us for a night on the wilder side. Including Willan.
“Tonight’s gonna be awesome.” Kai announces for the fifteenth time since we left home, bumping his shoulder into mine. Thankfully, in his almost manic levels of enthusiasm, I don’t actually have to respond. Just make somewhat agreeable noises. “Look! There they are!”
Well fuck. He’s right. There, under the watery street lights, is Finn and his friends, huddled together trying to keep warm. And right amongst them is Willan.
Thirteen years. Thirteen years and now weeks of anxiety and increasing paranoia and it’s all come down to this very second. Not to be entirely melodramatic—that really was more Kai’s thing than mine until recently—it feels like I’m in a slow motion train wreck and I can’t do anything to stop it. Except the train wreck is my neatly divided life imploding, and unlike a real-life train wreck, nobody else seems to be aware of the gravity of the situation.
Immediately Kai moves ahead to greet Finn and I’m left standing on the fringe of the group, not entirely sure what to do with myself. Without the natural ability to slide into social situations that Kai has, I end up lingering on the edges, my unease written all over my face as something aloof and judgemental. Especially when Finn fumbles once again in matching Kai’s energy saying hello. Considering I’m already pissed off at him for bringing Willan back into my life, it’s the final nail in the coffin in my good will towards him—unreasonable or not.
Willan doesn’t even look in my direction as his friends make their own introductions. He doesn’t come over, and I don’t go to him. He’s grown up. Really fucking grown up. If I could breathe, the sight of him under the watery glow of the street lamp would take my breath away. I knew he was beautiful from the photos I found online, but like Laurence has always said—there is a difference between knowing andknowing.
As we make our way to the near ancient mansion that’s home to Hearts Gate, I keep waiting for things to improve.
They don’t.
They don’t improve when the silver-haired witch, Lusce, introduces himself and proceeds to hit on me with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer on a marshmallow.
They don’t improve in the comfortable and familiar, vampire lore steeped lobby of the club.
They don’t improve on the tour Matteus gives us of the place.
And they sure as shit don’t improve when I decide to antagonise Finn to release the pressure of my own crushing feelings. Being a bitch like this is a habit I thought I left behind back in my chaotic teen years when I was hurt and vulnerable and used my attitude like a shield. It’s like the pressure from tonight, the fear I’ve built up in my head, has sliced open something deep within me and I can feel the poison of my old, shitty self slowly seeping through my veins.
I try to tell myself that it’sthem. That I don’t want them to embarrass me, or ruin my reputation here at Hearts Gate. But for all my anxiety about them causing some kind of scene, they’ve behaved. Mostly.
Sure, Lusce looks so horny and excited there is a chance he might rub himself off on one of the statues if left long enough, and the fae Bedeer and his witch girlfriend Jesminda are staring at everything with a lot less subtlety than they think. And all of them were shocked when we ran into a vamp feeding in the corridors on our tour.
That one I’ll give them. Since the advent of bottled blood, biting to feed has become more and more socially taboo—if not outright restricted in most public places. Add in all the government policies on turning and the creation of specialised hospital units, sanitising the process, there are vamps out there who’ve never drunk directly from the source.
Only the orc Jax and Willan seem to be able to conduct themselves with some kind of chill. But that could be because the orc is too busy trying to keep himself inconspicuous while he tries to keep Lusce from running headlong into trouble. Willan, though—Willan looks so tense he’s about to snap in half beneath his facade of forced calm.
Or at least, I assume he is. It’s not like I’ve been looking.
I’ve just noticed, in the periphery of my vision, before he ran away to go get drinks with Kai.
Watching Finn wither and close off because of me and my mood is enough to havemerunning away this time, abandoning the group when they head to the dance floor. That shitty, toxic voice in my head, the one put on a megaphone when that switch flipped, reassures me they won’t miss me.
Without a plan in mind, I make my way to the courtyard bar.
“You’re gorgeous. Do I know you?” The vampire, stumbling drunk, with a trail of blood seeping from their mouth almost collapses on me as I shove my way through the group blocking the entrance.
