They are also what made him an absolute shitberg of a child, and the worst kind of asshole as a teenager.
It washisidea to sell the weapons our clan forges on the black market. It washiscontacts. It washisplan. Like always, Nikolo was just along for the ride. And because he had all the makings of a clan leader, even at that age, Nikolo took the fall.
Publicly, at least.
At home, my brother went through hell and back with our parents.Andmy grandfather. He was second to the Mazheri clan leader, and my brother's reputation tarnished his. Losing both Nikolo and our grandfather’s respect is what finally broke my brother. He agreed to bear all his punishments and commit to restitution to the clan. And to his credit, he grew and learned and changed for the better. But if I have to hear one more being tell me how the bad times helped him grow, I’m going to throw myself into the fires of Riordinan.
Because Nikolo was the sacrifice for my brother's great lesson. And no one—not a single damned member of the clan—acknowledges that.
I may not know this new adult Nikolo, but I still knowhim, who he was years ago. If I really look, I can still see the same little boy who’d stare down the elders as they berated him for my brother’s misdeeds while he tried desperately to hold himself together long enough to get somewhere safe.
The realisation is like a punch to the gut. I never want to be yet another clan member who makes him feel that way. Even if it means never speaking to him again after today.
Inhaling deeply, I try to settle my racing heart—that energy drink was a terrible idea—and meet his eyes. “Thanks for meeting with me. I know… I know it was selfish of me. But I really wanted to see you. To talk. Properly.”
Months of daydreaming, coming up with the perfect speech, andthat’swhat I come up with? Thank fuck the waitress shows up to deliver his blood, cutting off my rambling.
At least I earn myself a smirk from Nikolo, one that he tries to hide behind his bottle as he takes a sip, but it loosens the knot inside my belly and I can feel the tension in my shoulders slowly unwind.
“It’s fine.” He takes another sip of his blood, then I’m treated to the view of his tongue coming out to swipe at his lips, leaving a glossy red streak behind. “What did you need to say?”
Say? With words? Coherent ones? I think that might be beyond me now. I stare, fascinated, at his lips for another second while I try to gather something intelligent to say.
“I’m sorry.” Well. I guess that’s a start.
Nikolo shakes his head, resting the bottle on the table but clasping it in two hands like a lifeline, making the tendons on his tattooed forearms flex. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
Huffing a sigh, I barely manage to refrain from rolling my eyes. “Yes. I do. For a lot of things, actually. Starting with when you left. I should have?—”
Nikolo raises a hand in a ‘stop’ motion, cutting me off. “Should have done what, exactly? Told off the elder? Your family? Cut them off? Beat up your brother? Staged an intervention? There was nothing you could have done, Willan. You were just a kid.”
I scoff loudly this time, actually rolling my eyes. “Oh please, you and Aleksi were always acting like I was a baby. I’m a year younger than you.”
“Not really anymore, though, right?” He waves a hand towards his blood and flashes his fangs at me. I can see the diversion tactic for what it is.
“So what, just ‘cause you’re all fangy the days don’t turn for you? You always thought you were the centre of the universe.”
“Hardly!” Nikolo laughs through his denial, and my heart squeezes. Laughter definitely wasn’t what I expected for this meeting.
“It’s true! You and Aleksi both always competed for centre square. No one else could get a look in with you two around.” Though in my eyes there was never any competition. Nikolo was always the winner.
At the mention of my brother, the burgeoning light in Nikolo’s eyes dims.
“Yeah, well, your brother sure won that race, didn’t he?” He says it offhandedly, like it’s a casual thing, instead of absolute bullshit.
“So I guess you heard?” May as well just leap right in, while the wound’s open, right? “About Aleksi?”
“That he got his shit together after I left? Made it all the way to the council? Yeah, I heard.”
“He felt really bad.” I don’t know why I keep going. Especially in defence of Aleksi of all the beings in the world. Maybe to selfishly alleviate some guilt? Or maybe because after all these years I’m still angry at my brother, and I’ve never been allowed to voice it out loud, and I feel guilty about that, too. “After a time, that is. After you left, he got his shit together and?—”
“I know.” Nikolo cuts off. Not harshly, not like I deserve. But withoutanyemotion. And I hate that more. “Willan, I know. I know everything that happened after I left. I even know how your grandfather was devastated when he learnt his favoured grandson acted like a scumbag. I know he felt guilty about how it all went down. I know he was concerned I turned out of resentment. I talked to him before he passed on. I still talk to my parents. We’re notclose,but we’re in touch. And Egbert, too. He’s been here for me whenever I've needed him.”
“Oh.” So many feelings. One tiny syllable.
It makes me the worst, most selfish kind of asshole, but it hurts—hurts more than I ever could have thought it would—that Nikolo, Nikolo who has always meanteverythingto me, Nikolo who I thought I’d lost was always just there. That he’d maintained some kind of connection with everyone important.
Everyone, just not me.
