“Was it really that simple to you?” His nostrils flared, his pupils widened. Was he offended by what I’d said?
I doubled down. “Yeah. I get what we’re doing. I understand the whole DL thing. I’m not going to catch feelings when I know they won’t be reciprocated.”
He blinked in shock, his eyebrows drawing together. If anyone were watching this interaction from afar, they’d think I had just slapped the shit out of him. “That’s not…”
Shit, now I was the one who felt the need to apologize. I swallowed down my “sorry” and chose to continue forward. “Gabe, I’m still getting over a reallydifficult four-year-long relationship. I went through some shit, and I’m still unpacking it. I don’t need to fall for someone in the closet right now. I’m sorry.”
Guess I didn’t completely swallow my apology.
His blue eyes had me pinned in place. A flash of anger whipped across his expression. His upper lip twitched. My stomach dropped. I must have taken it too far. “Who was it? What did he do to you?”
Huh. My instinct was to think he was mad at me, but it appeared that wasn’t the case. “It’s a long story,” I said, waving it off as if it were a cute little bedtime story and not a traumatic saga of mental abuse. “It doesn’t matter—hedoesn’t matter now. I just don’t want to fall into another trap. I want to have a drama-free life and share it with someone who won’t feel ashamed of me.”
“It’s not shame I feel, Eli. I would never be ashamed of being with someone like you. It’s just…”
“A long story?”
“Yes,” he answered.
“Guess we need to have a joint story time one day,” I said. From the corner of my eye, I could tell that Dylan and Chris were on their way over to check on us. I didn’t want to keep having this conversation. I didn’t want to keep staring into Gabriel’s dreamy eyes or at his full lips or at his chiseled abs or at his muscular chest or… fuck. I could feel myself getting hard.
I couldn’t even argue with the man without my dick betraying me. Damn it. Even more of a sign that this shit was bad news. I had to keep a logical view on this, not a horned-up view.
“Listen, I’m just trying to protect my peace,” I said.
“I can protect you and your peace.”
“But you can’t openly be yourself doing it. That’s the problem.”
“It’s complicated, Eli. There’s more going on than what you think.”
“What? Are you some supersecret government spy? You’re trying to keep a low profile?”
He paused, blinked. I arched a brow. “You’re not a supersecret government spy needing to keep a low profile, are you?”
He gave a dry chuckle. “No. That’s not it.”
Dylan and Chris were getting closer. They were loudly arguing about which fast-food chain was superior. I didn’t want to pretend like my head wasn’t spinning in a hundred different directions. I also didn’t want to continue being around Gabe before I ended up spontaneously coming in my jeans. I glanced to my left and saw the trail. Maybe that would be a nice way to clear my head. I couldn’t go for long walks in the oppressive Florida heat, but that wasn’t the case in Vermont.
“Maybe we can share our long stories some other time,” I said. “But for now, I need to just be on my own and think. I’ll talk to you later.”
Gabe looked like he was about to argue, but Dylan cut him off. I gave them a wave and told them all I’d see them later, that I needed some fresh air. Gabe appeared worried for some reason, but I didn’t stick around to dig into why. It wasn’t my place. We were teammates, friends—nothing more.
And we’d likely never be anything more.
I started on the trail, walking into the woods, leaving the chatter of the remaining group behind. It was nice. The silence. The being in your own head and not running from your thoughts. After (and during) my shitty relationship, Ihad spent some time going to a therapist, who said that time outdoors was invaluable for mental health, and I could see that she was right. I needed to take advantage of the fact that Burlington had some of the most beautiful trails and outdoor spaces in the entire country.
I wasn’t always one for nature (I fucking hated bugs and snakes with a fiery passion), but there was an undeniably soothing sensation being amongst the trees and listening to the creaking of branches and the rustling of leaves.
And the breaking of twigs.
And the… what was that?
Something loud made me freeze. It was probably just a fat squirrel searching for food. I looked into the surrounding trees, not seeing anything except bushes and logs.
Hmmm. Yeah. Maybe I could put on a nice and relaxing YouTube stream of a nature walk from the comfort of my own living room.
I turned around.
