“Hell nah.” I scoff. “Gracie or bust, man.”
“Even though she’s shacked up with another guy?” There’s a taunt in there, but it’s a serious question with the faintest hint of concern. “It’s been, what, two months since she got back?”
“Not two,” I mutter, but Stevie doesn’t hear me.
“You can’t stay in limbo forever, Braxton.”
“It’s not limbo,” I protest. “We’re both healing.”
“If you say so.” He hums, dubiousness dripping through my headphones. “Hey, gotta go. Need to shower, or it’ll be a waste of a night.”
I roll my eyes. “It’ll be a waste as soon as she catches sight of your mug.”
“Hey, don’t hate me because you ain’t me.” I groan at the cringiness, but then Stevie adds, “Get out of your apartment. Go to a group session. Go for a hike with your dad. Do something other than sitting there, and missing what you can’t have.”
“Yet.”
“What?”
“You said ‘missing what I can’t have,’ and it’s what I can’t haveyet.”
There is a soft exhale of air. “Right.”
He wants to tell me to stop hoping, that some bridges can’t be mended, but I’m not done fighting yet. I’ve barely gotten started, and his words will fall on deaf ears. Gracie needs more time, and I’ll give her all of it. I’ll be waiting when she’s ready.
“I might go catch up with Nick,” I say, almost to myself. “Feels like I’ve barely seen him lately.”
“Good, good. Just get out of that apartment,” Stevie orders. “Stop looking at those same walls. You can work on fixing what you broke, including your own hard head, but you don’t need to rot away while you’re doing it. Living your life is not a crime, Braxton.”
The words hit me with force, stealing the air from my chest. I exhale heavily, coughing, leaning forward to snatch my water bottle off the table in front of me. I gulp down half of it in one go while Stevie makes a knowing sound in my ear.
“That truth might hurt, but you have to keep acknowledging what’s holding you back. You know Gracie isn’t the only problem. Until you accept that guilt over surviving when that girl didn’t, you aren’t truly gonna heal at all.”
“Fuck, you’re an asshole,” I rasp.
Tension lightened, Stevie laughs. “An asshole who’s about to get laid. Catch you later!” There’s a muted click, and he’s gone, leaving me listening to the sounds of the game. I yank the headset off and get up, determined to prove him wrong.
I’m alive and kicking, and if there’s a quiet voice in my head, derisively mocking me for it, well…I’ve gotten real good at ignoring it.
I grab my phone and message Nick, seeing if he wants to catch up. Thankfully, he reads it immediately, the little bubbles popping up as he replies.
Nick
Benson’s?
My stomach curdles at the thought. I haven’t been back since New Year’s, and tonight is not that night.
Braxton
Nah, man. It’ll be a while before I can walk through those doors without wanting to hit you back.
Nick
Fair. Tell you what, you can get a free shot if Analise ever plants one on me.
Braxton
Like she would. You’re still on cootie level for Annie.
