“I’ll accept them, if you must offer.”
He didn’t look at her, nor she at him, yet Zaria’s entire body was aflame with the awareness that often accompanied his scrutiny. She swallowed. “Then I am sorry to hear you’re another year older.”
Kane pulled back from the railing and wrapped his fingers around it instead. “What am I doing, Zaria?”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“I don’t know what I’m living for.” His voice retained that bleak quality, though now with an edge of desperation. “I dared to love the man who murdered my parents, and then I killed him, too. All I have left is this…role, and I don’t know how to do it properly. I feel as though I’m drowning.” He grew harsher as he went on. “I try to hollow myself out, thinking perhaps it will enable me to float, but I only seem to sink faster. I hate the person I’ve become, yet I know it’s myown fault, and I can’t help wondering if I’m simply destined to resent myself. And then, there’s—you.”
Kane cut off so abruptly that it took Zaria a moment to absorb the final sentence. She couldn’t remember when he had turned to face her—his eyes were wild, his pupils blown wide. She liked him this way, she realized with a jolt: Authentic. Desperate. Entirely undone.
“Whataboutme?” she demanded, but her voice broke.
Kane’s knuckles whitened on the railing. He grasped the iron like it was the sole thing tethering him to reality. “You should go back inside.”
“Not until you finish what you were going to say.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” she said fiercely, frustration suddenly overwhelming all else. Her hands were fists at her side, her face only inches from his. “I’m sotired, Kane. I’m tired of you trying to convince us both that you don’t care about me. Do you know what I think? I think you gave me the necklace because you couldn’t bear the thought of me suffering. I think you care so much, it frightens you.Infuriatesyou. That’s why you can’t bring yourself to be honest for a single goddamned moment.”
His nostrils flared, cheeks hollowing. A vein had appeared at his temple. His eyes seemed to roll back as he took a deep breath. Then he exhaled, flexing his fingers as he met her gaze once more. “Zaria, do you seriously believe—”
“Tell me I’m wrong, Kane.”
“Is your ego truly so—”
“Tell me!” she snarled, thrusting a palm against his chest and splaying her fingers over the damp fabric of his shirt. His skin was hot beneath it, his heart thrumming a frantic tattoo.
He went perfectly, immediately still, save for the muscle ticking in his jaw. Then, so fast Zaria didn’t have time to react, he reached up and grabbed her wrist, pushing her hand more firmly into his chest. Keeping it there. This time, her index finger found the bare skin of his sternum, and she bit back a gasp.
“Why do you do this?” Kane was all but vibrating with emotion. “What good will it do for me to be honest? What is it that you want to hear? Do you want me to say you’ve monopolized my thoughts since the very first day we met? That I am tormented by the fact that I care for you when I shouldn’t? You’re so stunninglyalive, and yet somehow you still manage to haunt me. Neither of us can fully trust the other, but I want your trust nonetheless. I yearn for it. Do you know how foolish that makes me feel? Not only because you detest me, but because even if you didn’t, we could never be together.”
Zaria’s mouth was dry. She had forgotten how to breathe, and it took her a moment to gather enough air to whisper, “Why not?”
He gave a jerking, helpless wave. “Because I’mthis. Because it’s too late for me to be anything but this. Even if you wanted me, I wouldn’t let you have me, Zaria, because I know you deserve better. I’m not the kind of man who can be saved, or changed, or cared for in any way that matters. I know you fear me. I know that, and Ineedit that way, because if you gave me a single ounce of your affection again, I don’t think I would recover.”
Zaria’s chest ached. It felt as if her rib cage had tightened around her heart, squeezing in such a way that she felt on the verge of choking. She hated it, she realized—hated that Kane perceived himself like this.
“You’re right,” she said. “It’s too late for you to be anything but what you are. I can’t save you any more than you can undo the things I find reprehensible. But you’re not right about everything.” Carefully,she disentangled her wrist from his fingers to lay her hand against his cheek. He inhaled sharply; his face was as warm as his chest. “You’re wrong to say that I fear you. Maybe I should, and maybe I’m foolish, but I always want to be near you more than I want to run from you.” Now it was her face that heated. “Because Idowant you.”
Kane released a shuddering exhale, leaning into her touch as he closed his eyes. “Zaria—”
“No. Don’t try to tell me I’m wrong. I know how I feel, Kane. I know it’s not smart or realistic or easy to understand. I don’t understand it myself.” She let her hand trail down to cup the side of his neck, feeling the slight ridge of his tattoo. Her voice fell to scarcely a whisper. “But I want you.”
He brought his forehead to hers, his pulse jumping in his throat. His next breath was uneven. Hesitantly, he twisted a lock of her hair around his fingers, then gave it a gentle tug, forcing her to tilt her head back. He pressed his lips to the delicate flesh just beneath her ear.
“Don’t,” he murmured against her skin. “Don’t say that. I can’t come back from that.”
A shiver rippled through her. “I want you,” she gasped.
“Zaria.”
She could hear the agony and longing in the way he said her name, and lifted her chin. “I want you, Kane.”
He groaned, his hand sliding to the middle of her back. It set her skin alight. “Why?”
“I’ve asked myself the same question a thousand times, and I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. Why does it matter?”
