“Oh, I know the difference. I just don’t shy away from the latter.”
Zaria swallowed hard. Kane backed away, and for a moment, she thought he had finally decided to leave. But then, from the shadowy corner of the shed, he asked, “Why do you think you’re all wrong?”
There was a strange edge to his voice, as if he desperately needed to know the answer. As if her reply would either tip the world or set it right.
She didn’t care to explain herself to anyone, least of all Kane Durante. Even as she had the thought, however, the words bubbled up in her chest, slipping past her teeth before she could stop them.
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m careless, but also very particular. I’m too easily frustrated. I’m terrible at connecting with people, so everyone assumes I don’t like them, and I don’t bother to change their minds. I don’twantto change their minds because I’m terrified they’ll decide I’m not good enough, and then I’ll look like a fool. I’m constantly thinking fifteen thoughts at once, and yet I can’t remember a single one of them. I say all the wrong things at the wrong times, and my father’s entire business would fall apart if I didn’t have Jules to help me stay organized. I’m a disaster. Are you happy now?”
She said this all very fast, her chest heaving, and didn’t know whyshe was angrier for having given him the truth. Unwilling to hold his gaze, she stared into the glittering flame. By this point, the candle was beginning to burn lower, wax pooling on the table and collecting in the divots in the wood. Zaria wanted to melt into a puddle of wax herself. Kane still hadn’t said a word, and she couldn’t decide what would be worse: his pity or his derision.
She was surprised, then, when she didn’t get either one.
“That doesn’t make you wrong,” Kane finally declared in a way that managed to be both soft and harsh. “You’re exactly who you are.”
Zaria gave a hollow laugh. It didn’t sound like her. “That’s sort of the problem.”
“Maybe that’swhyyou were able to master alchemology. It’s about holding multiple points of focus, right? You see yourself as full of contradictions, but maybe having fifteen thoughts at once is a strength.” Bemusement curved his lips. “Whatever it is about you that makes you feel like a disaster… maybe that’s the reason you can do what so many other people can’t. Did you ever think of that?”
“No,” Zaria muttered, because she hadn’t. She was so accustomed to holding feelings of shame, she’d never thought about anything of the sort. She bit the inside of her cheek as the glittering flame sputtered out, wisps of smoke curling up from the point of demise.
“Well,” Kane said. “Maybe you should.”
When she finally looked back up, he was gone.
It took Zaria far too long to refocus her attention, even without Kane to distract her. After hours spent fitting together the nonmagical parts of her creations, she finally managed to slow her racing pulse, sinking into something of a meditative state as she worked. Distantly,she knew the day was slipping away from her. But she couldn’t risk stopping now, or she might never find her way back into the project.
The first couple of primateria creations had gone easily enough. Exhaustion tugged at the edges of her consciousness, though she was able to ignore it. At some point, she’d realized there was a glass of water on the counter beneath one of the cabinets; Kane or Fletcher must have put it there ahead of time. She resolved to drink it after creatingone more.
Shutting her eyes, she let her thoughts coalesce and settle like an alchemological compound. There was no sound but thetap,tapof her foot as she let the rhythm lull her into concentration. She beseeched the world to disappear, and this time it did, melting away and dragging her into oblivion. She imagined the precise interaction of materials she required and was ready for the tension, the subsequent rush.
But Zaria was not ready to open her eyes and feel her heart stop.
It restarted with a jolt as she fought back the dizziness, primateria clutched in her left hand. She couldn’t remember plucking it from the candle or blowing out the flame. She must have, though, because tendrils of smoke unfurled in the air before her, partially obscuring Kane’s face.
“Kane.” His name on her tongue betrayed her shock. She tried and failed to push herself up. Where had he come from? She was certain he hadn’t been there a moment prior.
He frowned, his dark brows drawing together. His hand was on her cheek, she realized, fingers cool against her burning face. “Christ. Are you okay? Your countenance is…”
“I’m fine.” Nausea rose in the back of her throat as she struggled to fit the pieces of herself back together. She was bent over the work desk, she realized distantly, her other cheek pressed to the wood.
“Zaria.”
The world tilted as he repeated her name. Another wave of dizziness crashed into her like an incoming tide, and her heart stuttered in that horrible, off-tempo rhythm as she pushed away from the table, from the primateria, from Kane. She was too aware of her body, and everything felt wrong. Black spotted the edges of her vision. “I need to leave.”
“What?” Frustration laced his voice. He gestured to what she’d created so far. “Is this everything I requested?”
Was he mad? Didn’t he recall how many magical items he’d asked her to come up with? And some of them, like the parautoptic key, were things she’d never so much as considered attempting before. “I’m not a machine, Kane. I’ve done enough for today, and I’m going home.” She made to sidestep him, but he blocked her with ease.
“Sitdown. You look like you’re going to pass out again.”
Her frustration mounted. She couldn’t have Kane seeing her like this—weak and confused, her thoughts clouded. “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“I’m not trying to,” he said blithely. “And I know you’re not a machine. I was only trying to discern whether you’d overextended yourself.”
“Pretending to care now, are we?”
“I have no need of pretending. I was half-worried I’d return to discover that you’d expired.”
