“And every one of those men became wolfseekers?” Caleb asked.
“Not all of them. In some cases, the lycanthropy virus didn’t take, and they died. Other times, they failed to master their beast. When a wolf survived, Philippe trained him and then cut him loose.”
Caleb was quiet for a moment. “The paintings upstairs,” he said. “The ones that looked like you. They were his other wolfseekers?”
“Two of them, yes.”
“Why do you keep them?”
I’d thought about that more than once over the years. “Philippe created them the same way he created me,” I said. “They didn’t choose what they became, and they died serving a cause they didn’t sign up for. Someone should remember them.”
Caleb held my stare. Then he opened his mouth. Closed it. “You and Philippe were together,” he said finally. “You slept with him.”
I let a small smile touch my lips. “You don’t have to love someone to have sex with them.”
“Butyouthought you loved him.”
As usual, Caleb was perceptive enough to cut through everything I hadn’t said and find the thing I’d been avoiding. I’d fallen for Philippe. He hadn’t returned my feelings, but he’d been experienced enough to recognize my infatuation and the imbalance it brought to our relationship.
“Philippe didn’t love me,” I said, and it was a hell of a lot easier to say now than it had been at twenty-six years old. “But I was a convenient stand-in for what he really wanted. He was dominant in every sense of the word, and the men he turned served him completely. I understood that eventually. At the time, I was too young and grateful to see it clearly. He created me because he was still searching for Marcus, and he intended to use me until he found another dying man with dark hair and brown eyes.”
Caleb didn’t change position, but he was suddenlyveryalert. “Did he hurt you?”
“Not like you’re thinking,” I said. “He wanted me to be something I wasn’t both in and out of bed. I tried to be what heneeded, but I couldn’t give him what he was really looking for. I wasn’t Marcus, and I couldn’t kneel for him the way he needed me to. And I was too naive to understand why it never felt right. I thought submission meant giving in. It took me a long time to understand how much strength it requires to put that kind of trust in someone else.”
Silence settled between us. Caleb held my gaze, and I let him, neither of us moving.
“What happened to him?” he asked softly.
“We argued,” I said. “Two nights after I confronted him, he tied himself to the train tracks a mile from the estate.”
Caleb went very still.
“I found the pieces,” I said. “There wasn’t much left to find.”
“Jesse…” Caleb said, my name breathless on his lips. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
My throat tightened. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’d been in New York for two weeks when I scented you. The Council had sent me to hunt the rogue. Instead, I found you. I won’t let them hurt you, but we can’t hide forever.”
He stiffened. “Why not? I thought that’s why we came here.”
I left my chair and knelt in front of him, one hand on his knee. “You’re immortal. Do you really want to spend centuries in hiding? Even if you could, it’s not practical. You’ve already done things you shouldn’t be able to do. You’ve shifted. You’ve maintained control most wolves twice your age can’t manage. Now we just have to help you find your gift.”
His brow creased. “You said I don’t have one.”
“I know, and that might still be the case. But I think it’s worth a try. You’ve already defied the odds by shifting.” I squeezed his knee. “You’re special, Caleb. You’rereallyfucking special to me.”
He stared at me, hurt and uncertainty in his eyes. Seeing it made my chest ache.
“I’m sorry for lying to you,” I said. “All your life, you’ve only known rejection. I couldn’t bear the thought of you walking into a room where someone wanted to hurt you. You’re my mate—the only one I want for the rest of my life.” I sucked in a breath. “I love you. Not because of the bond. I loveyou, Caleb. I am so in love with you.”
His chest lifted as he drew a deep breath. “I love you, too. This would be a lot easier if I didn’t.”
Panic gripped me. “What does that mean?”
“It means—” He stopped. Looked toward the windows, sunlight limning his profile. When he turned back, his eyes were hard. “You hid really important shit from me, Jesse. You took my choices away. Worse, you made it so I didn’t even know I had a choice.”
“I wanted to protect you,” I said, and I knew how weak and inadequate it sounded. But I had to make him understand. “Our world is more violent than what you’re used to. And you’re not supposed to exist.”
