It’s been four weeks since Jessie and I snuck off to club Luxe. To say Ryder and Hayden were pissed would be an understatement. Ever since that night, I’ve had a bodyguard, Hawke. Ryder assigned him to me and me only. I don’t know what he pays him, but it must have been a damn good deal to agree to follow my boring ass around all day. He follows me everywhere like my shadow. It might not be too bad if he had a personality. He might as well be made of stone, the way he stands still and silent as a statue.
“Man of many words,” I tease, glancing at him from the corner of my eye. He doesn’t so much as blink at my comment. I sigh, dropping my legs from the rail and crushing out the end of the joint. “You could at least smile or say hi.”
His head turns toward me, looking me straight in theeye, and gives the most awkward, creepiest smile I’ve ever seen. My lips peel back in disgust. “Nevermind. Don’t do that again.”
He’s actually not bad looking. He’s tall and slim, though the tactical gear adds to his slender build. Silver blue eyes and dark brown hair. He’s just lacking hella social skills. Maybe they’ve been trained out of him, who knows.
I make my way back inside the house, Hawke holds the door open for me, peering inside and outside, surveying our surroundings. He takes his job very seriously. I imagine Ryder threatened his life if something happened to me on his watch.
“Fuck,” I run to the trashcan and heave until my stomach is as empty as it could get. “Well, there goes the little breakfast I could hold down.” Luckily, it was only yogurt, so it wasn’t terrible coming back up. I really need to call Doctor Howard and have him change my medication. I had to go back on antidepressants after my parents’ murder. I wasn’t able to sleep, yet I couldn’t leave my bed. My nails were nonexistent as I had bitten them all off, and I had fallen back into not eating. Several times, I had thought about ending it all. It would have been easier that way, wouldn’t it? These people want me for some reason, and they won’t stop until they have me. Lilith made that very clear.
My parents wrote letters over the years. The first letter they… I mean, my dad wrote was when I was six years old. They don’t contain much information, but I need to get back to reading them. Surely there’s a reason for them and not just some bullshit.
I run upstairs and dig through the chest at the foot of the bed, looking for the stack of letters bound by a red rubber band. Tucked under a folded blanket, I pull them out and flip through the stack, finding the next letter to read and pluck it out. Sliding my finger along the sealed edge, I pull the piece of notebook paper out and begin reading. Tears prick my eyes as I imagine my father’s voice while reading.
By now, you’re an adult, and I’m gone. Being your father was the greatest blessing I could have ever had, and you made my life whole. I have made many mistakes in my life, but having you will never be one of them. Soon you will learn some things about your life that I only ever wanted to protect you from, but if you are reading this, then I have failed.
When I met Linda, I knew she was the love of my life. It’s hard to find a woman who would take the risk with a man like me. I was in a dangerous organization that I got myself into at eighteen years old. You were two years old when Linda and I met. She fell in love with you as soon as she met you, and vice versa.
I reread this over and over again. Tears flow down my cheeks, and I sniff as I wipe the back of my hand across my jaw. Linda was never… She wasn’t my mom. This doesn’t make any sense. We even looked alike, but we never did have anything in common as far as interests. She loved to cook, and I hated it. I loved cars and fixing shit, she couldn’t have cared less about them. She loved to shop, but I hate it. This can’t be real.
I swear I remember baby pictures of me with Linda holding me. I have to find those albums in my parents’ house before I sell it. I hold the letter up, trying to blink away the blurriness from the tears.
I was never good at doing your hair. I tried, but Linda could put your hair up in the cutest little styles, and don’t get me started on the outfits. That woman loved shopping for you and would come home with bags full of new clothes.
We had a courthouse wedding a month after we met. My life was too busy with racing and working as a hitman for Lilith.
I gasp, eyes wide.
See, I never wanted that life. I just wanted to race and make millions, but when you unknowingly sign your life away at the ripe age of eighteen to the Devil, whatever she demands of you, you do it. She had an obvious obsession with me from the start. Many of my assignments took place in her office. She was a beautiful woman, and I would have done anything for money back then. I was young and had no idea what the woman was capable of. I just knew I was too much of a coward to tell her no, and being her favorite made me feel on top of the world.
The point of this letter is to show you that no matter what life throws at you, you are so loved and always have been. I hope you aren’t mad at us for keeping this from you. It was the only way we could keep you safe as long as we did. You were always curious and so smart, we couldn’t have you searching for your biological mother.
Until the next letter, love Dad.
Nooo, no, no, no. “NO!” Hawke flinches outside the bedroom door at my ear-piercing scream. After he realizesnobody is attacking, he turns to stare at me, confused, but still refusing to speak. Of course.
My breath is coming in short, shallow pants as I try to piece this together. Footsteps pound along the kitchen floor below us and up the wooden stairs.
“What’s wrong?” Ryder shoves through Hawke, looking a sweaty, sexy, and flustered mess. His hair is a shaggy mess from his workout in the gym. He’s out of breath, probably from the workout and adrenaline from my outburst.
“I-I don’t…” I wrap my arm around my waist, then hold the letter out to Ryder in hopes he can understand or confirm what I’m already thinking. “Read it.”
He snatches the letter and faces the bed to read it. His head shakes and face pinches. “What the fuck?” He looks up, meeting my gaze. “There’s no way.”
I worry my lip and fidget my fingers as his heavy stare makes me shift from foot to foot. I swipe a loose tear from under my eye, and Ryder steps over, wrapping his bulging arms around my shoulders. “Shh, it will be okay.” He rubs my back, giving me goosebumps. “We’ll figure it out.”
How can this possibly get any worse? Nausea churns in my stomach, and all I can think about is standing in a hot shower. “I need a moment.” I step out of Ryder’s embrace and head towards the bathroom, locking the door shut behind me. I press my back against the door and slide down, plopping my ass on the cool tile floor. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. Every fucking day is something new.
I let out a heavy breath and push myself up off the floor, and walk over to the large shower, turning the handle. I undress, dropping my pants, underwear, and shirt to the floor while I wait for the water to warm up. I hang my bra on the doorknob for later. I stop in front of the mirror. I lean closer, examining my features, still trying to make sense of all this. My whole life had been a lie.
Now that I really look at myself… My mom and I really didn’t look anything alike. My mom—Linda—had thin curly blonde hair and deep blue eyes. The complete opposite of mine. I have freckles. She didn’t. In fact, I look nothing like her. I look like… No. I squeeze my eyes shut and grip the edge of the counter. This can’t be happening.
The mirror starts to steam up, so I step away and step inside the hot shower, letting the spray scald my skin. The burn feels so good. I cover my face with my hands and breathe heavy as I let the tears fall. I hold my breath, so Ryder doesn’t hear my hyperventilating and barge in. I just need to release it all. I’ve kept it all pent up far too long, pretending to be strong. Two things can be true at one time. You can still be strong and break down. We’re human, and humans have emotions. Everything has just been too much.
The water runs cold, and I realize I never got to wash myself. Fuck it. I grab the towel from the hook on the wall and dry myself off, then wrap the towel around my chest, tucking it tight around me. I open the door and peer out in case Hawke is out there. He isn’t, but Ryder sits on the edgeof the bed, elbows propped on his knees while he types on his phone.
I clear my throat, “Hi.”
