I flip her off over my shoulder as I enter the elevator.
12
KELSEY
“Good evening, Hun! You must have been exhausted.” Mom’s voice carries from the kitchen as I come down the stairs.
“Hi.” I cover my yawn as I saunter to the kitchen island, plopping into one of the barstools. My mom is still in her robe, sipping on coffee. I guess she is having a late start today, too.
“Your father said you weren’t home this morning when he left for work. Is everything alright?” I feel the blood drain from my face as I think about last night. Hayden and the closet, then the way Ryder’s eyes melted right through me. How did I allow that to happen? Hayden was an outlet. A mistake. Now that my mind is clear from the alcohol-induced haze, I can think clearly, and I regret taking advantage of Hayden like that.
“What’s wrong?” My mom asks.
“Hm?” I blink rapidly as I snap out of my thoughts. Shesets her mug on the counter and makes her way toward me.
A frown pulls at her beautifully aged face, “Did something happen? You know you can talk to me, right?” She gives a small, sad smile. What’s the point in talking to her? Surely nothing has changed and I refuse to be made to feel ashamed and embarrassed again.
“Yeah, Mom. Promise.” I slap on a sweet smile for added assurance. “Jessie and I had a girls’ night.” It’s not a complete lie.
I need to get out of here and find something to take my mind off Ryder.
My mom pats my knee before going back for her coffee. “Well, it sounds like you had a fun night, Sweetie.”If only she knew. “Are you hungry?”
I swallow thickly, my throat dry from sleeping off the remainder of the hangover. “I’m not really hungry, but do we have orange juice?”
“We do.”
After gulping down the orange juice, I ran upstairs to shower and get cleaned up. I decided to wear a black mini flared skirt, a fitted black halter top, and paired it with a thin gold chain.
As I stand in the mirror looking over my outfit, I feel like it’s missing something. I know exactly what I need. I make my way over to the vanity, shuffling through my jewelry box, and pull out a pair of gold diamond stud earrings. After placing them in my ears, I slip on my black leather platform boots with metal studs. I throw my hairup loosely in a claw clip, then fall backwards on my bed with a bounce.
Jessie still hasn’t responded to my text from earlier. I hope she’s ok. Surely she isn’t that mad about Ryder and me. What if Ryder forced her to end our friendship? No, because he said I’m a part of the family. That’s just my anxiety talking. I type out another text and press send.
Are you okay?
There’s one other person I could text, and they did tell me not to hesitate, so here goes nothing.
Can we talk…in person?
Butterflies go wild in my stomach after hitting send. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my raging nerves. My brain keeps telling me I’m going to fuck this all up and lose my best friend. The email from Ryder gave me hope, but what if he changes his mind again? He so easily pushed me away last night that I can’t trust that he won’t do it again. I need to keep my walls high, so I’m not crushed when that time does come.
All my life, I begged my parents for a sibling. Somebody to keep me company, but when that never happened, I had to find other things to keep the boredom at bay. I ended up getting mixed into the wrong crowd in high school. Drinking and drugs kept me numb. I’ll never understand how my grades didn’t reflect on my poor decisions.
Depression was my heaviest obstacle to overcome in my teens. I’ll never forget one of my friends saving my life after I had drunk bleach straight from the bottle before heading to school, or the look on my Mom’s face when I was surrounded by police officers and paramedics in the hallway. I begged for them to put me in therapy, but my parents said I was fine. They called me dramatic and said I was seeking attention.
After that, I looked for other ways to escape the numbness—to feel something—anything but the agonizing anger and sadness that consumed me. My skin took the fall. Any hidden piece of flesh on my body was carved into. I thought I was hiding it well enough until I stayed at that friend’s house one night, and her mom saw my ankle.
Eight Years Ago…
“Please don’t call them!” I begged with tears rolling down my face.
The last thing I need is more punishment. They don’t care, they never will.
“I’m so sorry, baby, but I have to. It’s infected. They do care, I promise, and they’ll get you help.”
I can still feel the shame and embarrassment from that night and the nights that followed. At the time, they didn’t seem to care. At least not to me. They never did get me help; I just found different ways to sate my mind. Ways they couldn’t find or notice, like the drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t until I graduated high school that they had a heart-to-heart with me over my mental health, and things got better. I forgive them. Forgiveness is part of healing, right? At least that’s what they say.
I gave up the habits and dropped thefriends.It was in that moment that I realized I never had arealfriend. The one that “saved” me ended up being my biggest bully, so fuck her. I never looked back and don’t plan to now. Pulling up my messages, I see it’s already been twenty minutes since I texted Jessie and Ryder. Neither messaged back, so fuck it. I hover over Hayden’s contact, contemplating whether I should even ask him to go out tonight. I’m so bored, and I didn’t get this dressed up for nothing, so fuck it. I type out my message, hit send, and drop my arms out beside me to wait.
