“Oh, Stuart.” I sank onto the sofa, then took his hands. “Of course that’s what I want. You here with me and not at Eric’s throat. But you have to understand it hurt when you left, and being home again just brought back all those emotions. But I’m not mad about it anymore. I’m really not.”
I watched his face, giving him space to talk, but he said nothing. Just held my hand.
I swallowed, then continued. “You say you want us to be a family, but if that’s the case, then you have to understand that Eric is part of it. I love you, Stuart. I do. But Eric is part of our life as well, and he’s not going anywhere. He’s Allie’s father. And,” I add, as hot tears snaked down my cheeks, “the brutal truth is that I love him too. I’m sorry, but I do.”
“He’s moving back, isn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t like that.” The words were flat, as if he was reporting the weather.
“I know you don’t. But honestly, Stuart, I do. I need help. I’m afraid things are going to get bad. And I’m afraid that all the badness is going to center around Allie. And I had to go out today because I need answers and we tried?—”
I didn’t realize I was crying until he put his arms around me and pulled me close, letting me bury my face in his shoulder. I didn’t like the way it was now, this strange disconnect between us. Before Eric came back, there’d been no barriers. At least not until that first demon had broken through the window. I wanted to get back to that easy comfort. That total familiarity. But the truth was, even then it wasn’t real. It wasn’t real because he never really knew who I was. Who I am. I may not have been active, but I hadn’t told him the truth about myself. About what I’d done, what I’d experienced, what I knew about the world. And now I could only hope that knowing all of those things—seeing all of those things—we could work this out.
I pushed back, the certainty that Ididwant to work it out giving me the energy to face him. “We’re going to make this work, Stuart,” I said. “We may have to fight it out, but we’ll figure it out. And I’m not going to give up on us.”
For a moment he just studied me, then he nodded. “I believe you.” He reached out and cupped my cheek. “I want the same.” He paused, then added, “so when you go patrolling, you’ll let me know? Even if for no other reason than I want to know that my wife is out fighting demons?”
“I promise. And I’ll let you know if I’m with Eric. Not only so you’ll know that I have someone watching my back, but so that you’ll know who it is.”
“I’m not jealous that way,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“I trust you, Kate. Don’t you know that? It’s not that I think anything will happen between the two of you. I don’t believe you’d do anything even if you wanted to. And honestly, I couldn’t blame you if you did. I know that you love him, that he was your husband before me and that this is one of those situations that I can’t even imagine a marriage counselor would know how to deal with.”
“Then what?”
“He can be there in a way for you that I can’t.”
I took his hand. “Maybe,” I said. “But you’re getting pretty badass at throwing that knife.”
He laughed. “I’ve gotten lucky a few times.”
We shared a grin. “Yeah. You have. But you still need practice. At that, and pretty much everything else.”
“Thanks a lot.”
I shrugged. “Just calling it like I see it.”
“But the bottom line is no more secrets, right?”
“Yes. On my end. And on your end, if you’re pissed off or mad, don’t just walk away. Don’t use the real estate projects as an excuse to get away and not talk about it.”
“Fair enough.”
“Wow. Look at us being all practical and working things out.”
He lifted my hand and gently kissed it. “We’ve always been able to work things out. You could have told me everything before we even got married, and we would have worked it out.”
“I guess I know that now, but at the time, I wanted you to know a different Kate. I didn’t understand that there is no different Kate. I’m just me, and I should have realized it would all catch up with us eventually.”
I drew in a breath, then held his gaze. “I’m sorry.”
The corner of his mouth curved up as he shook his head. “Don’t be. All I’m sorry for is the lost time. You could have toldme whenever you wanted to, and I would have still loved the real Kate. Idolove the real Kate.”
He pulled me close, and for a moment we just sat like that on the couch, me leaning against him and enjoying the masculine way he smelled, a hint of sweat mixed with his cologne and topped of with a tinge of paint and plaster.
