“What are you saying?”
“You’ve been thinking about it, haven’t you? Only being with me for the rest of your life. That you might end up regretting it.”
“What?” He drops my hand.
“You’ve been thinking—”
“About my vows. About the perfect thing to say to encompass everything you mean to me. Not about women I won’t fuck.” His brow stays furrowed, but his eyes narrow. “But it’s crossed your mind, hasn’t it?”
“What if married life is boring to you? What if you get sick of being with one woman?” What if we find our perfect ever after, and it doesn’t last? What if—
His expression turns stony, his voice like gravel. “Do you think that’s possible?”
“I don’t know.” I dip my chin and let my hair hide me from him.
“You do know.” He cups my jaw, lifts it. “Hell, Ivy. We’re trying to have a baby. I’m literally all the way committed, and you’re what... one foot out the door?”
“No. That’s not… Babies don’t need relationships to stay together forever, Rogue. I need it.” I lick my lips and try to find the words. “I need love that’s safe and reliable and constant. I’m scared it’s not possible. That at some point something will happen to take this happiness away from me. Like it always has.”
Like it did to my parents.
“And you think it will be because I get over you? Or bored with you? Need other women to satisfy me?” He shakes his head. “That’s not possible. The women that came before you... none of them could keep my attention because I didn’t want them to. I didn’t love them. I didn’t want to love them. You have always been different.”
He clasps my face. I squeeze my eyes shut against the onslaught of my own emotions.
“I fell in love with you as Uma. I fell harder for Ivy. I’m obsessed with you.” He presses his lips to mine with butterfly softness. “With every speck of amber in your eyes.”
I open them and our eyes lock. How many times have I studied the different shades of blue? A kaleidoscope that changes with his passion and emotions. They’re as open and honest as the blue sky on a cloudless day.
“Every freckle on your skin.” He kisses the bridge of my nose. “With the way you smile and the way you cry. I watch you sleep, and I count your eyelashes. One hundred forty around your right eye. One hundred forty-three on your left. Except not this week. You’ve tugged on them too much and your right is down to one hundred thirty-six.”
I laugh but it ends on a sob as the bubble of anxiety I’ve been carrying around pops. “I’m pulling out my lashes?”
“I hope you’re making wishes,” he says solemnly.
“I didn’t realize.” That I was pulling my eyelashes out, for one. But more so, I didn’t have a clue he tallied these things. They seem inconsequential and trivial, but to him they matter.
“I’m obsessed with the way you smell. With your perfume and your hair products. With your scent when you’re aroused. When you’re happy.”
“You can smell my emotions?”
“Yeah, baby. I can tell you’ve been happy for months. And I can tell it’s been dimmed by stress the last few days. I knoweverything about you.” He takes a deep breath and lets it go. “Before you, I didn’t open up. I didn’t want to let anyone that close. You broke down my walls before I realized. Before I could do anything to stop you. You made me want to take a chance on something real and then you made me fight for it. You’re the only woman who has ever made me feel that way. That’s how I know... wherever you go, I will follow. I will fight for us. I will love you with everything I have when it’s easy. And when it’s hard, I will love you hard enough for both of us. Our love is real, baby. It’s strong. It will last because we fight for it. Every aspect of it. I’m not thinking about what I might miss out on. I’m thinking about how lucky I am to be the one who will get to call you my wife.”
Tears are running down my cheeks. “I can’t believe I let such ridiculous doubt creep in. We’ve been through so much. Grown stronger for it. Still, I let the trauma undermine the truth. Our love is one in a million.”
“It’s not ridiculous to have fears, baby. Or to want reassurance and safety,” he says. “You’ve been through so much.”
“We both have.”
“Learning to let go of the trauma, learning to live with it and not let it take over is a challenge we have to face head on every day. Together. You are my guiding light, baby. The only person I want to see when I’m having a rough day. Or when I have news to share. I want to be that person for you too. Your safe place. Your rock. Every single day for the rest of our lives. I hope one day you’ll wake up beside me and realize as we start our morning that somewhere along the line you forgot to worry about what could be lost, because you found only a life full of joy and love.”
I tip my head up and he kisses the salt from my cheeks before lowering his mouth over mine in a sweet press. I want the future he described more than anything.
“Maybe a call to Dr. Keller might be a good idea,” he says when he pulls away. “You’re nervous, courtesy of Nicole’s messages and knowing Alec is still free. We can at least set something up for the morning. Before your bridal party and spa afternoon. It might help you feel more at ease.”
“That’s a good idea.” I step into his hug. A hug I need more than oxygen. One that settles the rushing of my pulse.
He kisses the top of my head. “Let’s go make that call.”
