“Your father’s spinal cord research started roughly thirty years ago, about the time your mother first showed symptoms of a spinal degenerative disease.”
“That soundsabout right,” I say. “I was three years old. I don’t remember much.”
“So your dad’s interest in spinal research—”
I make a scoffing noise. “Interest? Try obsession.”
“All right,” he concedes. “Your dad’sobsessionstarted around this time because presumably he wanted to find a cure for your mother. But she’s been dead nineteen years, yet your dad is still working obsessively to find a cure. Why?”
Frowning, I think about that. “Maybe it’s Dad’s way of atonement,” I reflect aloud. “He didn’t find a cure in time to save Mom so now he’s trying to save others who have the same disease.”
“Would that account for such single-minded obsession?” Kane asks, doubt coloring his voice. “It feels like there’s something more there.”
I stir uneasily. I’m inclined to agree with him. I’ve always felt as though my father is working against an internal deadline I’ve never understood. I’m no closer to understanding it now. But I don’t want to spend any more time in the past.
“Let’s talk about more interesting things,” I say, changing the subject. “Like how I’m really falling for you here.”
Kane closes his eyes. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” I ask, trying and failing to keep the hurt from my voice. “Don’t be honest about my feelings for you?”
He opens his eyes. The bleak look there has my heart tripping faster. “Amy...”
I speak quickly, forestalling words I don’t want to hear. “You know what I’ve realized? I’ve realized I’ve been a coward pretty much my whole life. It’s not only the dark I’m afraid of. With the exception of my dad, I’m afraid of loving anyone else because they could hurt me like my mom did.” I pause. “I don’t want to be a coward anymore,” I add softly.
When Kane doesn’tsay anything, I gather up my newfound courage and ask, “So how do you feel about me?”
Clearly unhappy, Kane says, “We shouldn’t be talking about this.”
“Oh, so we should be kissing instead. Why? Because that’s neutral territory?”
“Amy, you’re starting to mean a lot to me, but I’m still trying to sort through my feelings for you.”
I release a careful breath. “But they’re good feelings, right?”
“Yeah, they’re good.” He rubs his forehead with the heel of his hand and releases a pained laugh. “This is one heck of a complication.”
I swallow. “What do we do about it?”
His sigh is heavy. “I’m going to let you go, and you’re going to carry on with your life.”
His flat statement completely unravels me. “You’re going to let me go?” I repeat in disbelief.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t get to keep you. Not after everything I did to you.” His mouth twists. “Wanting you doesn’t erase that.”
“When will you let me go?”
“Whenever you’re ready.”
I should be overwhelmed with joy, but I’m not. Instead, a hollow feeling has taken over my stomach. “After you let me go, where are you in my life?”
“I’m not there. I can’t be there.”
I stare at him numbly. “Coward,” I whisper accusingly.
