Because the thought of touching myself right now feels like it wouldn’t satisfy me.
If I’m going to feel any kind of pleasure, it will come from her. No exceptions. I want the soft brush of her hands on my skin. I want to know what the warmth of her mouth feels like wrapped around my length. Anything less than that feels pointless.
So instead I simply watch and clench my fists as Livingston pulls on a t-shirt that looks worn and soft with age, the hem brushing the top of her thighs before she climbs into bed.
Before settling under the blanket, she reaches toward the nightstand.
My gaze drops immediately to the small object she picks up.
Pepper spray.
She keeps it clutched loosely in her hand as she settles against the pillows and pats the sprinkle monster on the head, probably telling her to have sweet dreams.
Something about that twists painfully in my chest because it means she doesn’t feel safe. The main light in her room is still on when she closes her eyes, which is common for my girl. She must not like the dark, and that makes me sad.
Livingston doesn’t fall asleep easily, she never does. She tosses once. Twice. Her teeth catch lightly against her lower lip as she turns onto her side, her brows pulling together in a faint crease that never quite relaxes.
Watching her struggle to sleep makes something ache deep inside my chest. I know exactly what she needs. She needs someone who can stand between her and everything that haunts her. Someone who will make sure she never has to wake up in fear again.
The thought of climbing into that bed beside her is almost unbearable. Turning off the light and pulling her against my chest so she could finally rest without worrying about what might be waiting for her in the dark.
I know, with a certainty that settles deep in my bones, that she would sleep peacefully if she were in my arms. And one day, when she finally understands what I’ve been trying to protect all these years she’ll know that too.
I pull out a notepad from my drawer. Sometimes I write her notes when I need to say something that she isn’t ready to hear. One day I’ll give her the box I keep them in, and the cassette tape I made for my songbird so long ago.
My Songbird,
3,748 days. I know the number without looking it up.
Ten years, two months and six days since the first time I saw your face.
I track every aspect of your life like you’re my religion.
When I reveal myself, you’ll understand that I’ll never worship anyone else.
You were always meant to be mine, my little songbird.
But for now, I have to settle for keeping you safe.
Yours in every lifetime.
LIVY
Sparkles nearly pulls my arm out of its socket the moment we step onto the road to walk through campus.
“Okay, okay,” I laugh under my breath, tightening my grip on the leash as the Dalmatian prances in excited circles around my legs. She’s an old girl that from what I’m told wasn’t always treated the nicest, but she trusts me completely, and that’s why I go out of my way to make her day a little extra special. “You win. We’ll go the long way.”
Her tail whips so hard against my thigh that it stings, but I don’t even mind. I don’t think I could ever mind anything that involves being outside with this dog. After everything last night with Sebastian and then getting a horrible text from an anonymous number, I really need this. Juniper calmed me down, saying it was most likely a prank. She said she’d ask Kalen to put another deadbolt on our main door, and even one on my bedroom if I wanted one. That did ease my worry a bit, and in the back of my mind I wonder if I’m overreacting. If I hadn’t been through what I have, a text like that would for sure come across as a harmless prank. Someone who has a crush on Sebastian, or me, or both. I don’t know. For all I know, it could be Miranda thinking she’s funny. I haven’t told her aboutit because I don’t really want the news spreading around and making it worse.
I look down at the pup sniffing literally anything and everything she can get her nose on. Sparkles isn’t mine. She belongs to Juniper.
Technically.
But Juniper lets me take her for walks whenever I want because I think she knows I need the companionship. Kalen says he rescued Sparkles for Juniper, and the way he says it makes me think it was less of a ‘Hi, I’d like to adopt one dog, please’ situation and more of a ‘Give me that dog or I’ll bash your face in’ kind of a deal. I approve if she wasn’t being treated well, and especially because right now Sparkles is living her best life knocking Miranda off her pedestal and becoming queen of everything.
The wind cuts through the collar of my sweater as we head down the narrow street just off campus. The stone buildings of St. Killian rise behind us, and I swear I've never seen anything like this place other than in a history book. I’ll never get tired of looking at them. I haven’t stayed in one place too long, but I wouldn’t mind calling this place home for a while.
The places I’ve seen in Ireland, which to be fair aren’t many, are all beautiful in their own way. I hope before I leave for my next journey, I’ll get to see a lot more of this place. When I first arrived here, I remember thinking it felt like the safest place in the world.
