“It’s n-not that,” I say with a half sob, half laugh that sounds like a wail. My shoulders are shaking, and every emotion from the last few turbulent weeks comes pouring out of me at once. “I-it’s t-that you’re holding S-sebastian. You h-hate him, Wilder.”
“I don’t hate him.”
I pull back and peer up at him through tear-filled eyes. “You do.”
“I don’t. I’m just more… of a dog person,” he mutters, and a watery laugh bubbles out of me.
He totally hates him, but I guess that maybe Seb is finally starting to change his mind.
“I’m sorry that I ran out of here the way I did,” Wilder says, sincerity shining in his eyes, mixing with the hoard of emotions I know he’s trying to work through.
As strong and unwavering as he is, a physical force of a man… expressing himself and understanding and regulating emotions are not something he’s good at.
I know this about him now.
But it still hurt for him to leave like that, when I’m right here, trying to stand beside him and carry some of the heaviness, trying to be strong for him because he’s never had anyone there to do it for him.
“You scared me, Wilder. I was so worried about you. I didn’t know where you went or if you were okay, and I just… I was so worried.” My voice cracks, and his face crumples. He cradles my jaw in his hands and uses his thumbs to tenderly swipe away the tears falling. “Please don’t do that to me again.”
“I promise you, I won’t.”
I nod. The ball of emotion in my throat makes it feel tight.
“I’m sorry that I scared you and that I left the way that I did. I mean it, I promise I won’t do that again. I just… I felt like I was drowning right then, Maisie. I felt like if I didn’t get out that I was going to fuck up even more, and so I ran. But I quickly realized that leaving was actually the fuckup. I just kept picturing your face and the hurt all over it, knowing I put it there, and it gutted me, baby.” Wilder looks pained as he says it, like the wound physically exists by the way his brow furrows and his jaw tenses. “When shit gets too much, I shut down. I was running away from it, not taking the space to breathe. I shouldn’t have done that.”
I reach up and curl my fingers around his. “If you ever need space or room to breathe, I understand. I’ll always give you what you need, just like I know that you’ll do that for me. Just please tell me so I don’t have to worry.”
“I swear it. If it’s too much, the shit in my head, I’ll tell you. I won’t just leave. Just the thought…” He slams his lips shut. “That I’ve got you in her orbit, brought you into this bullshit and potentially put you in harm’s way, whether it’s her fucking henchman or her actions harming your life, it makes me lose my head. I don’t know how to fix this, Maisie, and I just want to protect you.”
I step closer until we’re front to front, my arms slipping around his neck. “No one’s going to hurt me. We’ll figure it out. That’s what being in a relationship is, Wilder—figuring it out together. Whatever that means.”
He nods. “I know.”
Taking his hand, I tug him over to the couch and pull him down beside me so I can crawl into his lap. Feel his skin on mine, hear his heart beating.
He came back to me. To face this.
Just having himhere, present, trying to talk through it with me, it shows me yet again that he’s trying. He’s growing.
He’s trying to work through the things that drag him down.
Still giving me pieces of himself, even when it’s hard.
“All we can do is figure it out, one thing at a time.” I hold his jaw between my hands. “So what happens if shedoessell it to a tabloid? What happens even if shedoesn’t? Where do we go from here? They’re all questions we have to work through together. How can we make decisions that feel like they are changing the trajectory of our future if we haven’t even weighed out the options?”
His mouth twitches with a ghost of a smile. “For someone so young, I have no fucking idea how you got so wise, baby.”
“I don’t have the answers either, but we can’t just give up.”
Wilder nods and then goes quiet.
His mind is likely spinning in a hundred different directions, the same way that mine currently is.
“Before I got back here, when I was sitting in this empty parking lot, trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do, I thought about telling her to fuck off. Do what you want with the pictures, sell the shit to whoever, because there’s no sacrifice that feels too much when it comes to me. If it means that in the end, I’ve got you, then I’ll do it. Whatever the fallout is, it would be worth it.” He pauses, shaking his head. “But then I thought about you, Maisie. How it’s going to affect you if I just act and not think the shit through, like I always do. Because it’s not just my life she’d harm.”
“But you didn’t,” I stop him before he can continue. “That’s growth, Wilder. Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet, it is.”
“You’re the only reason I stopped to think, baby. You. Fuck, Maisie, I could pay her off. I have the money, she’s right. I’ve got a fuck ton of it put away in savings because I never touch it. But what if I give her the money, and she turns around two weeks later doing the same shit? Threatening to expose us.” I can feel his frustration, and I know for him, it’s even worse becausenot only is his mother hurting him in the present, but she’s a constant trauma from the past too.
