Her eyes sparkle with amusement.
There’s still this question hanging in the back of my head, the same one that I’ve been wondering about for weeks now. The one I’ve wanted to ask her about since I discovered who she was, even before we started sneaking around, but couldn’t ask her. “Is all of that why you chose to lose your virginity to me that night at the bar?”
I want to know whyme, why she gave something away that’s supposed to be important and precious, especially to someone like Maisie, to a man like me.
Her breath stutters near my lips, and for a second, she just looks at me, gaze flashing between mine like she’s deciding whether or not she trusts me with the answer.
But then she lifts her chin and nods. “I wanted it to be my choice, on my terms. My decision and no one else’s.”
“And you thought thatIwas the perfect candidate for taking your virginity? Christ, Maisie,why me?”
She pins me with a look. “There was just… I don’t know, Wilder. There was just some kind of chemistry, some type of pull to you that I’d never experienced before. I can’t really explain it, but I just knew I wanted to do it. And that night was the most powerful night of my life. It was the night that I decided I wanted to take my life, my future, back into my own hands. I don’t regret any of it.”
Something tugs in my chest like there’s a cord somewhere beneath the skin and bones, and it’s being yanked as she confesses all this. But I push it away, bury it back where it belongs. Just the way I always have and the way I always will.
I simply hum, not trusting myself to respond to the honest piece of herself that she just gave me. I didn’t deserve it, but that’s who Maisie is. Constantly giving her trust and compassion to people, even when they haven’t earned it.
“Do you regret it?” she asks softly, and I force myself to look away, to let my eyes flutter shut, swallowing hard. “That night?”
I don’t know if I even truly know the answer to that question, if I can still tell the difference between the truth and the lies I tell myself… and her.
It’s complicated and messy, two things that I’ve never been good at.
Maisie getting tangled up in me, in all of the fucked-up that I am, even if it’s temporary, feels like I’m tainting her in some way.
That’s my regret, that somehow I’ll leave her fucked-up, broken the way that I am, when it’s all said and done between us.
Because that’s what I do. That’s who I am.
And this? Her?
It’s all temporary. A temporary feeling. A temporary arrangement.
Her fingers slip into my hair, and she slowly pulls me down into her lap, letting my head rest there. And suddenly, I can’t live with her thinking I regret any part of her. So against my better judgment, the kind a better man would use, I say, “No, I don’t regret it.”
And I think it’s actually the truth, no matter how broken I am.
CHAPTER
THIRTY-FIVE
MAISIE
Thankfully,I did notcatch whatever Black Death type of sickness was plaguing Wilder early last week, which is extremely fortunate for me.
But what isunfortunatefor me is that we’ve only seen each other once since then, and it was for about twenty seconds as we passed each other at the arena.
He nodded a typical Wilder-esque hello, and I gave him the same smile I give everyone.
And that was it.
I guess I didn’t realize how much I hated it until that moment.
Not being able to be who we are together when it’s just the two of us, when we’re alone and no one’s watching.
When he’s… not as callous and closed off.
When it’s just us and these moments when he’s laughing, and teasing, and yes, making me come.
