I forget how much I miss his touch. It's addictive. Like the best kind of drug, and I can't get enough.
Saint touches me like he's afraid I'll disappear. Like I'm something precious. His hands on my skin feel like absolution. Like forgiveness we haven't earned. We are not okay. There's so much pain between us, and it isn't washed off as easily as Alexei's blood, and yet, neither of us wants to admit it, so we don't.
We fuck our problems to the back of our minds until we are too boneless to think.
It's not love and softness. It's desperate and hungry. Trying to fill the holes we put in each other with physical affection instead of truths. I know I should stop it, but I can't.
It almost works to erase everything, but sometimes, I can't help but remember the look on Alexei's face as I jam the letteropener into the soft skin of his throat, and I'm jolted awake from my sleep by the sight.
What's worse is that I can't stop thinking about that feeling of power I have when I take Alexei's life.
I'm no longer content to just sit back and be taken care of.
I got a taste of power, and now, I want more.
Saint won't give it to me, and as he fucks me, I wonder if there's going to be a time I'm desperate enough to take it for myself.
"Come with me today," Saint says on the morning of the eighth day. "I have meetings. I want you there."
I'm sitting at the vanity, doing my makeup. My face has filled out slightly. I've been eating. Sleeping. In some ways, I'm thriving. I wish the void I feel when Saint goes to see his men, without me, would close. Maybe if it did, I would be happy.
Content.
Saint is trying, but I know he's really just placating me, and it pisses me off. And then, I feel guilty. It's a sick cycle, but I can't break out of it.
"Why do you want me there?" I ask, turning to look at him. "You've never asked me to join before."
In fact, it's always been the opposite. He's kept me so far from Marini business that when Alexei told me he wanted info on them, I realized I had none. So, this is a wild turn in events.
"You're my wife. The family needs to see you, know you." He comes up behind me. "I want you by my side."
In the mirror, we look like a power couple. The Don and his beautiful wife.
I wonder if he can see the cracks that we are trying to hide as well as I can.
"You want me by your side?" I repeat, looking at his eyes in the mirror.
"Yes," he presses a kiss to my neck. "I want to show you off."
Alexei's words echo in my ears. What a pretty pet, he'd said. I shiver and pull away.
"Okay."
I slip into an elegant black dress that's heavy satin and comes down to my mid-calf. The bodice though is deadly. The tiny cutouts down the chest, held together by bows, shows peekaboos of flesh. It's elegant and sexy.
Saint's eyes darken when he sees me.
"You look—" He takes me in his arms, kissing me. "Beautiful."
"Thank you." I pick up my purse and slip on a pair of black pumps. I look deadly, and I like it.
Saint studies me for a moment. Like he's trying to figure out what's wrong.
He won't find it. I've gotten good at hiding.
"Yeah. Let's go."
The meeting is in our dining room. Fifteen men. Captains. Soldiers. Family.
