Page 24 of The Bitter Words

I slide into the back seat of the car and get ready to have the time of my life tonight. I’m finally sixteen. It might not be that big of a deal, but it feels as if I’ve hit a major milestone.

My friends and I laugh through dinner, poking fun at each other. I sneak away and do a couple of lines while we’re at therestaurant. I plan on partying my ass off. If I can’t be with Callum tonight, I will have fun.

Once we get to the rave, we find an area where we can drink and dance. I’m drunk, flying high, and lose track of time.

My phone starts vibrating. I peek at the screen and notice it’s four in the morning.

Shit!

I was supposed to be home by two. The message from my dad is hard to focus on.

Daddy:Get home, now! Your mom is a mess.

Me:But Daddy, it’s my birthday. I’m having fun.

Daddy:I know, darling, but you keep testing us. She’s worried sick that you’re dead in a ditch somewhere. Get home so she’ll calm down.

I coil into myself and find my ride. I might be acting out a little, but I don’t want to hurt my mom. My thoughts twist and turn on the way back to my house.

My selfish behavior isn’t something I’m proud of. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I just got caught up in the moment.

Why do my parents put up with my bullshit?

I rest my head against the backseat of the car and my brain goes to the one place I hate. It takes me straight toher.

Who do I think I am?

I shouldn’t be out celebrating. I have no right.

As soon as that crosses my mind, memories of the baby Callum and I lost slam into my heart. If that hadn’t happened, we’d have a baby right now.

It’s all I think about until I get home. I find my parents snuggling on the living room couch. They stand as soon as I come into the room.

I lower my head. “I’m sorry I lost track of time.”

“It’s fine, darling. Just be more aware next time.” My dad starts turning off the lights.

My mom straightens out the blanket they were using. “I’m glad you had fun, but I was scared something bad happened.”

My insides hollow out. “Do you guys ever wish it wasn’t me?”

“What?” My dad stops what he’s doing.

My mind spins with all the awful things I’ve done. “I didn’t mean to. I never meant to take her or him. They should be here. Not me.”

“Who are you talking about?” My mom ambles over to me. “Livianna, what are you trying to say?”

I shake my head. “I’m sorry. That’s all. I’m sorry I took them away from everybody.”

My dad comes over to me. He begins to speak, but then something seems to click for him. “Lorna, she’s drunk and rambling.”

“Oh, dear. Let’s get her to bed.” My mom leads me up the stairs. “We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

I hang my head as she helps me into my room. She kisses my cheek. “Happy birthday, Livianna. Sleep well.”

She leaves and I sink down on my bed. I’ve destroyed people and they’ll never admit it to me.

How can they love me when I’m the cause of so much pain? It must be impossible.