Her eyes found mine again, gentle in sympathy and strong with courage. “I’m sorry…”
Some days were harder than others—but always hard, nonetheless. “I know.”
“When did that happen?”
“Fifteen years ago.”
Her eyes narrowed slightly. “You must have been a boy.”
“Not a boy, but not yet a man.”
“How old?”
“Thirteen.”
Understanding flashed across her eyes. “That means you’re twenty-eight. I knew you were older, but I didn’t know by how much.”
I suspected she was younger than me, but I didn’t expect her to be so young that my age seemed surprising. “And you?”
“Twenty-two.”
“How old was your husband?”
There was a noticeable flinch in her eyes, a subtle repulsion at the mention of him. “In his fifties.”
Far too old to marry someone so young. “Do you accept my age?”
“It doesn’t bother me.” Her eyes didn’t show disappointment, and the surprise already passed. She looked at me with that same softness, dropping every form of a mask that she possessed. She was open with me, vulnerable and transparent, something I’d never seen her do in anyone else’s presence. I loved her courage, but I also loved it when she didn’t need to be brave because she was with me. “Can—can I ask what happened?”
“I think it’s obvious what happened.”
“I mean…how and why.”
My mind hadn’t revisited that moment since it had happened. It was one of the reasons I hated to look upon my mother. Because I was forced to remember. Forced to relive it. Forced to acknowledge my part in it. “I will tell you someday—but not today.”
She accepted my resistance instead of trying to push through it. “Okay.”
A heavy silence passed between us, packed with a tension I’d never experienced with another person. It was so potent, italmost felt hostile, like we were enemies rather than…what I wanted to be.
She cleared her throat, like she felt it too. “It’ll take time to make enough bows and arrows for everyone. If we decide to travel to Stonework, we’ll fare far better with those weapons than without. We’ve seen the consequences of close combat.” She glanced down at my arm. “And I’ll return to theapricumto see what I can find.”
None of the women had ever braved such missions. Not a single one had left the island since we’d come to inhabit it years ago. Caius was the one who had found it on a whim. It offered us natural protection with the surrounding water. “I would go in your stead if I could.”
She wore a sad smile. “I know.”
I watched the way her eyes changed with her emotions. I couldn’t help but wonder how she would look in the throes of passion underneath me, her nails deep into my back, riding that crescendo for the first time.
“When I came close to one of the Knives at theapricum…I was scared. They’re larger than any man I’ve ever seen in my life. I didn’t see his front, just his back, but…I understood its power. Do you know how many there are?”
My desire was blown out like a low-burning candle. “At least a thousand. Probably closer to fifteen hundred. But that number could be inaccurate because every interaction we’ve had with them has been quick and…traumatizing.”
Sadness shone in her eyes. “And how many are there of us?”
“Two hundred able-bodied fighters—and that’s including women.”
Her hope was snuffed out as quickly as my desire.
I didn’t judge her for questioning the odds, for choosing to spend what life she had left in the dark rather than fighting in the light.
