I felt sick. ‘I need this job, Tara,’ I said, beginning to panic. ‘What will I do if she sacks me?’
Tara reached out and caught my hands. ‘Calm down,’ she said, looking straight at me. ‘Sorry, I was just messing with you. I should have made it more obvious. Breathe. Are you breathing?’
I nodded, feeling the panic subside. ‘Sorry,’ I said.
Tara squeezed my fingers and let go and I leaned against the bar. ‘I’m such a loser,’ I said, mostly to myself.
‘You’ve been having panic attacks again, huh?’
‘A few, but not as bad.’ I felt a bit embarrassed admitting it. ‘Micah’s been helping me.’
‘Micah the teenager?’
‘He has anxiety. We’re helping each other.’
‘That’s cute. Are you using the stuff you learned in your course?’
‘I didn’t learn much, but I guess so. He’s started doing some collages and stuff.’
Tara gave me a look that suggested she was impressed. ‘And he helps you, how?’
‘He goes to a therapist and then he comes home and tells me all the strategies she’s told him.’
‘Trickle-down psychiatry,’ Tara said with a wry smile. ‘If it’s working for you, honey, then that’s great.’
Suddenly self-conscious, I turned away from her to shut the glasswasher and fiddled with the controls.
‘Go on,’ Tara said. ‘Go and see Blessing. She’ll be fine.’
‘Do you think so?’
‘Totally. She needs you more than you need her. Good care home staff aren’t easy to find.’
‘I suppose.’
‘Go on. Text me when you’re done.’
Spontaneously, I kissed her cheek. She stayed still, but she looked pleased.
‘Thanks, Tara,’ I said.
*
Probably because I wanted it to be slow, my journey to Tall Trees was quick and easy. I locked up my bike and before I could get distracted by anything or anyone else, walked straight to Blessing’s office and, with slightly shaky hands, I knocked on the open door.
She was at her desk, surrounded by paperwork, which made me smile. I knew we were supposed to be paper-free now, but she kept printing stuff out anyway.
‘Hi,’ I said, trying to sound casual and not like a woman about to grovel to keep her job. ‘You wanted to see me?’
She looked up and pointed at me. ‘Yes! Sit down. Let me find what I was looking at.’
I slid into the chair she’d gestured to and focused out of the window. I could see Helen, the new resident, walking in the grounds. Even though Tall Trees – my bit at least – was a care home rather than a nursing home, she was still quite young to be here. She was probably about a decade younger than Val or some of the other residents. In fact, striding across the grass, she looked both young and fit compared with some of our residents. I wondered if she had a condition I hadn’t yet been told about. Something degenerative, perhaps. It was possible.
‘I had an email from the council,’ Blessing was saying. ‘Here it is.’ She pulled a piece of paper from under one of her piles. ‘And they said you’d applied for a grant to paint the wall.’
She tapped the end of her biro on the print-out and turned it round so I could read it. Except I couldn’t really make the words out because my eyes were filling with tears.
‘I’m so sorry, Blessing. I didn’t think to ask. I was sort of bursting with ideas and excitement and Finn – you know Finn? He said I should just do the application without overthinking it too much, so I did.’
