Him giving all of himself, yet refusing to give us a chance.
Him hating himself for the way he was hurting us both. Or maybe just me.
Ultimately...
Him not willing to change his ways, bound to the person he was.
It wasn’t fair or right. But it was him. And maybe that’s why it hurt so much. Because even in all his flaws, he was still the one person I wanted.
Myperson.
However, I never expected him to change his life for me. I was the rule, not his exception, and that’s fine. Maybe there would never be one for him, but hurt colored my heart anyway.
The fact that he couldn’t fall in love didn’t matter. It was that he couldn’t feel love towards me that hurt.
The worst thing, though, was that I already knew all of that. Maybe I didn’t see his heart so clearly before, but I knewhim. And I let myself fall for him anyway.
I squeezed the stone in my hand, pressing it to my chest, and closed my eyes, as a surge of emotions hit me all at once.
The best and worst thing that happened to me this year?
It was you, Luke!
43
Luke
I was sitting at a dinner table with my parents and a few of their friends. My favorite poached salmon in coconut-lime sauce was served, but my appetite couldn’t be any worse. I hated these monthly dinners. Their main goal was to brag about achievements rather than catch up. Just another way to pretend we were a normal functioning family. Unfortunately, tonight we couldn’t even do that, because once we were alone again, snide comments filled the room. It was like they were feeding on each other’s hate. I was so used to it by now I mostly tuned it out.
Tonight was no exception for my parents’ show of character. The only thing on my mind, however, was the girl whose existence had become my distraction every step of the way. The one who had stolen my attention, and, dare I say, my heart.
I went to see her the other day, but as soon as I saw her through the window, I recognized the faintest trace of sadness in her features. It wasn’t obvious, but rather subtle. I’d learned her too well. I could see through the patience in her words, the polite smiles she reserved for the world. She gave me some real ones on the trip, and it was enough to see that the ones she wore now felt performative and distant. And I knew she needed them because of me.
A heaviness clung to my chest, like I couldn’t fully breathe in. I felt like the Grinch whose heart was trying to grow three sizes bigger but couldn’t.
I didn’t know what was holding me back, but I knew this was pure torture for me. Similar to the one I was experiencing at the dinner table right now. Salmon tasted like cardboard vomit, and I wanted to leave.
I excused myself and went to the kitchen. Leaning back at the sink, I contemplated the interior. I always liked the aesthetic of this place, but it always felt cold. The kitchen should have been filled with pancake Sundays, and breakfast rush in the morning, right before leaving for school. No trace of this here. Just wasted potential.
I raised the glass to my lips just as Mom came in.
“There you are, honey. Where’d you go?” Her words were sweetness laced with irritation.
“To top off my glass,” I said, and right behind her, my dad’s silver hair appeared in the room.
“I was telling our friends all about your promotion,” she said. “But you should be the one who explains all the details. They must finally recognize all the hours you’ve been putting in. I mean, some people might just coast along for years in their career, but not you. You’ve got drive.”
“I don’t think anyone coasts in finance, Kimberly.” Dad rubbed his temple, clearly exhausted.
“Well, at least someone sees his potential. Others struggle with foresight.”
“It’s just a slight raise,” I said, matching my dad’s emotions.
“A raise you deserve, even if celebrations are hard to plan lately.”
Dad sighed in the corner. “If this is about the beach house again, Kimberly, just say it. Trade weeks or towels or whatever it is this time.”
She gave him a thin smile. “Not everything’s a business deal, Oliver. Some of us care about family memories.”
