Hazel’s soft voice played in my head.
“But when she looks at me, she makes me forget that I’m this stuck version of myself for a moment. With her, I feel like maybe I want more out of life.”
“Luke, I know you struggle with the relationship you have with your parents. We all know, and please believe us when we say we don’t blame you. And honestly, we may never fully understand what you’ve been going through with them, but please... don’t let them make the decisions for you. Because the real question is, do you want to be like this?”
The more you understand your past, the better you can decide if you want it to shape your future.
I let out a long sigh. I didn’t have an answer for her. What if I lost her? What if the pain that I was feeling now was ten times more unbearable in the future?
Her voice softened, gentler now.
“Even if it doesn’t last,” the hypothetical already splintered my heart, “even if your paths part... don’t you think you’d still be grateful you lived it?”
The whiskey buzz curled warm and quiet through my chest. But not as warm as Hazel’s body pressed against mine under the sheets, her sleepy voice rambling off crazy facts about whales, music, and coffee beans.
“Norah,” I pleaded with her to stop as I buried my head in my hands, palms gripping the back of my neck, while liquid poison burned my throat.
She kept pressing on my trigger points, tearing open my soul, slicing open every wound. Asking the questions I didn’t dare to ask myself.
“Alright, alright,” she said, setting her glass down with a soft clink. “Just tell me this—do you regret bringing her with us? Even now, with everything you’re feeling? Would you erase those memories if you could?”
I froze. And suddenly I knew. Without needing to think, I lifted my head and met her eyes. “No,” I whispered, something stinging behind my eyes, sharp and quiet.
“Then don’t let her go. If you love her, Luke—if you really love her—go fight for her. And for yourself, too. I’ve never seen you so happy as you were on that trip. You were more yourself than I’d ever seen you.”
Norah smiled at me warmly. Truly a mother hen. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding, and her arms came around me.
“To choose who can break your heart is such a privilege,” she whispered. “Don’t waste it.”
42
Hazel
We were walking through the park, the sun high up in the sky, burning my cheeks. Good thing I used SPF religiously.
It was my mom’s birthday, and like last year, Mady was with me. We were leisurely looking for pebbles and chatting. Lately, it had been her venting about all her office drama. With all the work trips she’d been taking lately, she always returned with a new batch of chaos to unload. It was her way of releasing some pent-up energy. Her career had taken off, but I knew she hated being away from New York and John so often. She felt guilty above everything else.
“How about we check out the photographers for the wedding?” I asked. “I know we have time, but those are always the first ones to get booked, right after the venue.”
“Hazel, do you really think I want to talk about the wedding right now?!”
I blinked at her, confused, but then it hit me. I sighed. I wasn’t used to sharing my troubles with other people.
“Have you seen him?” she asked more quietly. More carefully. I shook my head, eyes fixed on the pebble I kicked out of my path.
“Not since coming back.” She gave me a sympathetic look.
After leaving the airport, I went straight to Mady’s. I’d texted her before I could second-guess myself. A part of me felt guilty for bothering her, but within seconds, I receivedCanceling my afternoon.
When she opened the doors of her apartment, I couldn’t hide my tears. We spent the whole day just talking—about my dad, Jackson. About Luke. How he warned me not to expect anythingfrom him and how I fell for him anyway. Like a fool. It felt like a weight lifted, but at the same time, the pain simmered in her voice.
“How in the hell did you not tell me any of this before?”
“I’m sorry... I didn’t think it was a big deal. I didn’t want to trouble you. You’ve got enough on your plate already. Your job, John, the wedding.” She formed a fist and punched my forearm.
“Ouch. Mady!”
“So it wasn’t a big deal, or you didn’t want to trouble me with it? Which one is it, you liar?!” Angry Mady had always been a beast. But the worry in her voice was undeniable. “We are friends. Best friends. We don’t hide things like this from each other. Got it?”
