When have I ever felt this way?
Tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Hazel,” I whispered, seeing her pain. “I’m—”
“Shut up,” she snapped. “Don’t say it.”
I felt like a monster. Her legs clung to my hips, her hands clawing at my shirt to feel skin. I pressed my cheek to her chest, arms wrapped tight around her, savagely taking her on the cupboard. Her hand went flying against the wall, trying to hold on to something. A mirror crashed to the floor, but she didn’t even flinch.
My thrusts quickened, her insides tightening as a string. She was close. I had to make her come. I’d never forgive myself if I came first. Her fingers tangled in my hair, pulling hard, grittingyesandmoreandharderthrough her teeth over and over again, until finally her mouth opened in a silent cry and she came likean avalanche. It was enough for me to explode. I pushed into her one last time, gripping her like I’d lose her.
Teary lines painted her face, but her eyes stayed shut. My head dipped into her neck, dragging my lips against her salty skin, trying to catch my breath. Afraid to break this spell, and I wasn’t ready for that yet.
Finally, I pulled back, meeting her gaze. An utter silence. Realization of what had just happened between us. We stared at each other for what felt like forever. Then I took her in my arms again and, as slowly as I could—slow enough for her to stop me if she needed—carried her to our room. Hazel closed her eyes and rested her forehead against mine, grounding us both.
I lay us down gently and leaned in, lips hovering above hers. Her frown was full of pain, but she welcomed me. Hazel’s fingers traced the hairline at my nape.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered against her, and we sank into a slow, soft kiss.
It was a loadedsorry. Sorry for dragging you into this, sorry for taking and not being able to give. Sorry for the false hope. Sorry I couldn’t be with you. Sorry for my fucked-up mind and your kind soul.
When our bodies began aching for more again, I slid into her slowly, savoring her every movement, every arch and curve. She chased my touch, while I sought refuge in hers. The way her body reacted to mine made me want to stay there forever. To never give this up.
Every time she tightened around me, close to release, I slowed down. It was too precious to waste. I rested my hand on her inner thigh, gently massaging until Hazel eased into the touch, her legs parting wider in response. I dragged my thumb close to her clit without touching it, and Hazel writhed beneath me. Her body pleaded for everything her mind couldn’t ask for. My tongue trailed up to her neck, finding my camp in her neck.
After everything that had passed between us on the trip, she never had any false expectations from me. Even though I was breaking her heart, after all this time, I knew her a little bit too well. Hazel would never beg for love from someone unwilling to give it.
“In a perfect world, I’d tell you—take it all. Everything you want from me, sweetie,” I said, just as another of her tears slipped onto my cheek, washing away the pain.
“I’m not your swee—”
“Yes, you are,” I breathed, my voice rough as I cradled her cheek and rested my forehead against hers. “You are.” My heart was tearing at the seams. “Take what you want from me.”
She opened her eyes, and I swear to God, she could be the inspiration to all the world’s poets with those blue, crystal-clear pools. Looking into the corners of my soul even I rarely visited.
“I’m sorry I can’t be that person for you,” I said, every word crushing me. Feeling every fucking regret in the world. “I’m so sorry, Hazel.”
She nodded slightly. “I know.” Her arms wrapped around me, soft fingers dragging along my back, memorizing my skin. Then Hazel’s lips found mine, greedy and soft.
As night fell, with the salty air curling around us, we grew softer with each other. There was no anger in our kisses, no rush in our touch.
She didn’t speak, but I listened.
To the way her breath caught when I kissed the soft hollow at the base of her neck.
To the sound she made when my hand curved around her thigh.
To the charged silence that spread between our bodies, as my hands explored the small of her back, pulling her closer.
We made love in the word’s truest form. And while I could deny a lot of things, I couldn’t deny this. Her. I loved her.
I wasin lovewith her.
But as long as I didn’t say it out loud, we could stay in our little bubble. Because right now, I needed her more than I wanted to protect myself.
From pain and reality.
From truth. Consequences.
