Page 45 of More Than Friends

His eyes go wide, and his mouth falls open. “I’m confessing one of my biggest fears to you—one that I used to get made fun of by my friends at school for—and you’re telling me that it isn’t even a secret? Way to wound me, Char.”

I can’t help but laugh and shake my head. “I’m just saying I thought it was common knowledge that everyone was scared of clowns. They’re creepy.”

“I don’t just find them creepy. It goes deeper than that. If I see one, I’m running in the opposite direction. When I was in school, the guys on my floor all decorated my room with clown posters. I walked in from spending the weekend with my parents to find creepy clowns plastered all over my room. I didn’t talk to any of them for weeks.”

“Even Cal?”

“I didn’t talk to Cal for almost two weeks. I was so pissed off at him. He had to have been the one to tell everyone.”

“What if Ava loves clowns? She might want one for one of her birthday parties down the road.”

Jude hits the brakes. I rock forward, my hand finding the dash in front of me to steady myself. He looks at me with a horrified expression. “Why would you ever put that into the universe? I’ll give Ava anything she wants in this world, but she isn’t having clowns at a party. That’s my only limit.”

I know I shouldn’t, but I laugh. I haven’t ever seen Jude like this. He keeps the SUV at a stop in the middle of the road. Luckily, we’re in a neighborhood with no other cars around as he stares at me with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open.

“I’m sorry,” I start, trying to cover my laugh, but it doesn’t work. The fact that I know I shouldn’t be laughing only makes me laugh more. “I just can’t get the mental picture out of my head of you running for your life at a child’s birthday party just because a clown showed up.”

He pushes on the gas, softly accelerating as we continue to drive through the neighborhood. I briefly glance at the monitor to find that Ava is still fast asleep despite her dad abruptly stopping the car moments ago.

“It’s a secret for a reason, Char. I’m terrified of clowns, and if you ever tell anyone else, our friendship is over.”

“Would you forgive me if I hung clown pictures all over your house this summer?”

“I think I’d forgive you for anything,” he instinctively responds. The car slows down, and his eyes find mine again.

My lips part, and my pulse spikes. His answer wasn’t what I was expecting at all, and suddenly, my mouth feels too dry, and my head feels too fuzzy to even respond. There was something about the huskiness to his voice that made his words feel more raw.

I think I’d forgive you for anything.

What did he mean by that? The words felt like an admission, but of what? Am I thinking too much into it? Maybe that’s justwhat friends do…forgive each other for anything. That’s got to be what he meant.

Jude stares at me for a few more moments before ripping his gaze from me and focusing back on the road. We pick up speed once again. Even in the dimly lit car, I can see the way his jaw flexes. I wonder if he keeps his jaw tight like that because he regrets what he said or if he’s fighting the urge to say more.

Before I can think too much about it, he wipes away the thick tension between us by smirking once again and looking over at me. “But I’d rather you not witness me lose my shit at the sight of a clown, so please don’t put clown posters all over the house. I’ve got to keep up appearances.” He winks, pretending everything is normal again, and I wonder if I was reading too much into the way he so easily said he’d forgive me for anything.

“No need to impress me.” I try to keep my voice light and like I’m not replaying his words over and over again as I attempt to dissect what they could mean.

Jude smiles so wide that it shows off his deep dimples. “I always want to impress you, Char.” He lets the words linger between us for a few moments before speaking up again. “Now it’s your turn to share a secret.”

“No, I need a different secret. Give me something more intense.” I don’t know why I push him to tell me more. Admitting he was scared of clowns should be enough, but it isn’t. I want more. “Tell me something no one else knows.” My words come out barely above a whisper, and I try to tell myself they don’t come out desperate, but I know they do. I just want to feel like I matter to him…that he trusts me enough to tell me something he’s never said to anyone else before.

“Something no one else knows?” He sits back in his seat and lets out a low whistle.

“Yes. I want to know a real secret.”

He briefly looks over at me before focusing on the road once again. His jaw flexes as he keeps quiet. I want to know where his mind goes, but I don’t say anything as I hope that he actually answers my question.

Finally, he sighs before opening his mouth. “I told you clowns were my biggest fear because it didn’t feel too vulnerable to do so, but the truth is, my biggest fear is that I’m going fuck up being a dad somehow. I’m terrified of letting Ava down. She just has me, and it’d kill me for her to grow up and wish that she’d had more.”

I swallow, because although I’ve suspected he’s scared of how he’s doing as a father, him admitting that to me still comes as a surprise. “Ava issolucky to have you,” I assure him. I try to put as much conviction as I can into my words.

He looks at me, and there’s so much vulnerability in his eyes that it slices right through to my heart. This is the side of Jude I never expected. The one who allows me to see what’s really underneath the surface and not just what he wants you to see. “Is she? I’m not sure I agree.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a thirty-six-year-old who has never been with someone long enough to even begin to discuss children with. It’s not that I didn’t want to be a dad; I always thought I eventually would become one. But I haven’t taken anything seriously enough to really think about it. I’m not prepared to be a dad. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just that everything in life has always been easy for me until Ava came into my life. Now, it’s just so hard to imagine doing this alone and not fucking it all up.”

I stare at him as he stares at the road ahead. It’s at the tip of my tongue to remind him he doesn’t have to do any of this alone. I’m here for him as long as he’ll let me be, but for some reason, I can’t say the words out loud. It doesn’t feel right to say right nowbecause I know he means that he doesn’t have Ava’s mother to help raise her. Ava doesn’t have her mom, and that scares him, and me reminding him that I’m here for him—and her—doesn’t change that.