“Tomorrow.”I kiss the hinge of his jaw.“We’ll get her back.Then you can face your regrets with her and stop punishing yourself without her.”
His shoulders stay rigid, and his hand curls on the counter.He wants the same future I want, but he doesn’t know how to believe in it.
He’ll catch up.
We shower off our mess, shut off the lights, and fall into bed, foregoing clothes.I curl on my side and fit myself against him, head tucked into his chest.I don’t ask.I just follow my instincts and go where my body decides it belongs.
It feels bold and brave, my way of claiming intimacy with this hard-edged, seemingly untouchable man.But he doesn’t flinch.Instead, he sinks his fingers into my hair and combs through the wet strands.
“You didn’t spiral.”His nails scrape my scalp.“What’s up with those triggers?”
“You didn’t make it weird this time.”
“I didn’t make it weird the first time.”
“You had a fever, no working hands, a creaky cot, bad breath—”
“Now you’re being a dick.”
“Yeah.”I sigh.“I don’t know why it didn’t set me off this time.My triggers don’t follow rules.Just like me.”
“What did you do after your last panic attack?”
“I wrote the journal.Ironic, huh?My reaction to you prompted me to put my story into words for the first time.”My eyes close.“Then I let Dove read it.”
“And after?”
“I stopped hiding.I let my family see the scars and read what I survived.It changed how I see myself in the wreckage.”
“Maybe that’s why the panic didn’t sneak in this time.You emptied what you were carrying instead of letting it pile up.Gave the fear fewer places to hide.”
“Maybe.”
“Tell me something.”He adjusts beneath me, getting comfortable.“Something about your life in the Arctic that isn’t in the journal.”
I think for a second and reach for a day I’ve never put on paper or said out loud.
“After I killed my mother for abusing Leo, Denver had to leave on a final supply run before the long winter.Leo sneaked me into a shipping crate before it was loaded onto the bush plane.I was eight.”
Jag’s fingers slow in my hair.
“The dumb animal was hellbent on my escape and gave me precise instructions.When the plane lands, sneak away.Find help.Don’t think about him or Kody or Hoss ever again.”I loosen a breath.“I waited in that box for hours, felt it get dragged onto the plane, and heard Leo tell Denver I’d run off into the hills because I couldn’t handle what I’d done to my mother.But when the engine kicked on, I knew what would happen.Denver would return to Hoss, find me gone for good, and hurt my brothers until someone broke.”
I shift, remembering the cold fear, the terrible choice.
“You didn’t go.”Jag strokes a supportive hand along my spine.
“I jumped out before Denver took off and told him everything.I blamed it all on Leo.Said he put me in the box and told me how to escape.”
“Were you afraid he’d punish Leo for that?”
“Yeah, but not the way you think.I knew Denver would punish him by hurting me.Kin punishment.”I stare at the dark.“He heated a knife in the fire, held me down, and pressed it across my chest.Leo screamed louder than I did.I hated that part.”
“Goddammit, Wolf.”Jag’s breath hitches as he hauls me closer.
“You can’t see the burn mark anymore.It’s buried under everything else.But I feel it sometimes and remember the choice I made.A choice I never regretted.”
“You think I’ll put you in a proverbial box and send you away from the cartel?”
