He needs space to understand himself.Not what Denver beat into him.Not what fear taught him.Not what Jag sparked and confused.
Him.
He needs a healthy perspective about what he wants, who he wants, and why.His orientation isn’t a trauma scar, and it isn’t a debt he owes to anyone.
He needs to know his desire is his own.
He deserves that.
And so do I.
“There’s nothing wrong with your sexuality.”I meet his eyes.“If you’re attracted to men, explore those desires.If you like women, pursue both.Figure out what fits.But if Jag is what you crave…”
“Is it true what they say?Once you stray to gay, you can’t stay away?”
“No.First off, I don’t think you’ve ever been straight.And second, that’s an offensive generalization.”
“I don’t know what I am.I don’t want men or women or anything as boring as that.I want a dove.”
My chest flutters.“You want Jag.”
He opens his mouth, and I see the denial forming.
“You already admitted as much.”I sigh.“Just… Please don’t pursue this thing with him.Not because he’s a man, but because he’s Jag.He’s dangerous.”
“I wantyou.”He doesn’t say it defensively.He delivers it like a vow that can’t be undone.Resolved.Unshaken.Fearlessly honest.
My pulse swoons, tripping over itself.
I want him, too.So damn much.But the thought terrifies me.I don’t want to be the easy choice, the soft landing after pain.I don’t want to be the one he experiments on just to see if it feels different.
“Wolf…” My voice trembles.“You’ve been through too much.I don’t want to be a trigger.Or worse, a regret.”
“You won’t be either.”He drifts closer, his nearness pulling at me, the heat in his eyes smoldering.
“I need to know what you and Jag did.I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t.”
“How do you know that?”
“You don’t have the anatomy.”His gaze sweeps over my body.“No parts that trigger me.”
“That doesn’t tell me enough.”
“Yeah, didn’t figure it would.”His unflinching stare hooks mine for a silent beat.Then he speaks, voice quiet and stripped down.“At the shop, Jag dared me to prove my heterosexuality.He was weak with fever, too weak to be threatening, sprawled out on his cot, half-dead and stupidly vulnerable, looking at me like… I don’t know.The way he looked at me made me feel wanted.Desired.Not the way Denver made me feel.Not in a manipulative, despicable way.For a hot minute there, it didn’t feel wrong.Maybe that’s Jag’s game.He says all the right things and gets in your head.”He shrugs.“It worked.”
I’ve been on the receiving end of Jag’s looks and understand exactly what Wolf’s describing.But I keep that to myself, not interrupting.Barely breathing.
“He promised to keep his hands to himself.His broken wrist over there, his other arm behind his head.”His eyes drift somewhere behind me.“I couldn’t resist the offer.I needed to know.So I touched him.Jerked him.Not gently either.”A muscle jumps in his jaw.“I was mean, every stroke of my fist fueled by anger and confusion and shame.He didn’t stop me, and that only made me want him more.”
A jealous spasm erupts in my stomach, but I tamp it down because this isn’t about me.It’s about him learning what it means to want without fear.
“I leaned into it.”His fingers pick at the edge of his robe, the movement restless.“I had to know if it felt different with a man who wasn’t forcing himself on me.Someone who wasn’t my self-proclaimed father.”
My throat closes around a hot ember.
“It did.It felt different.Jag kept his promise and didn’t touch me.Maybe it was his fever, but I think he would’ve let me do just about anything I wanted to him.So I did.I pulled myself out and jerked us both off in one hand.But you know what really messed me up?I hurt him the way Denver hurt me, and Jag got off on it.He fucking enjoyed it.And so did I.It was the first orgasm I ever had with another person.”
