After twenty minutes of our duet, she sagged onto the sofa’s arm next to Gavriel. But only for a second. After a few deep breaths, she dragged herself to the table and reached into the box. At first, she withdrew a juice box. She snarled at the box, and jammed her hand back in, pulling out… a carton of milk. Opening it, she poured it back into the box. “Listen, basshole, Ineedit. It’s not a want, and I’m not a child. Give it to me or die.” She reached in once more and pulled out a steaming mug.
“Did you just pull coffee out of that box?” I panted as she slammed it back, then grabbed a refill. The singing I’d done had drained me almost to the point of no return, and she exhaled heavily and brought the drink over to me.
“It’s a triple-shot mocha, Rafe,” she told me as I drank it. “You know if there’s a chocolate option, I’m always choosing that.”
She fed Gavriel, who was still draped over the sofa, bare-assed—not that Feather seemed to have noticed—and got another mocha for herself. And then she repeated the circuit, intent on strengthening us all enough so that we could… do what exactly? We were trapped here.
There was no way for all of us to get out alive. My mind raged at the injustice of it.
I know, Gavriel thought quietly.In a just world, she would be our queen, and us her servants, feeding her chocolate.
Feather began humming some song about milkshakes and yards, and I thought,She won’t have much more time, separated from Mikhail and Righteous. We need to heal, and we need to make a plan to get the two of you free.“And I need to make that confession to you, Gavriel, before we do anything else,” I said aloud.
Feather slumped onto the sofa, a hand pressed to her nape like it was burning her. “You two go ahead. I’ll just take a…” A second later, she was out. I hauled myself off the sofa and carried her over to the bed, laying her gently on the crisp white sheets. “Oh, yes,” she mumbled, rousing a little bit. “I love you, sheets. I love you more than…” She lapsed back into deep slumber.
After a long moment, Gavriel stood, retrieved a blanket from the crib and draped it over her, then tied another sheet around his waist.
“Modesty? You don’t need to cover up for me.”
“You don’t have to keep covered up for me either,” he replied, sitting back down. “What is the armor made of? Can you take it off?”
“It’s made of… shit. Well, not literally. That might actually be an improvement. This is going to sound as repulsive as it is. I created it from the detritus of souls who were unmade in the Abyss.”
He looked stricken. “High Angeli?”
“No! Some of the worst souls get mired deep in the Abyss. They’re not unredeemable, of course, but I’ve never seen one of them work through enough of their smut to rise more than a few inches toward the Celestial Realm. After a while, some of them unmake themselves. Their particles dissipate over time, but for a while, they sit there, creating more of the… bog, I guess you could call it, for the others to drown in. It is a place entirely devoid of hope, or brightness, or possibility. The deepest pit of the Abyss.”
His voice throbbed with compassion and curiosity. “Tell me about that place, Rafe.”
I sighed, describing the endless plains of darkness. The lack of sensation, punctuated by thin places where one could see into the Celestial Realm and Sanctuary, but never cross over. The way tormented shadows clustered around those narrow cracks, wailing in anger and agony. How they fought to enter the shallow rift that led to Earth, their only escape, though they were only drawn to evil deeds there. They could only remain in that realm for any length of time when the balance had shifted to the dark. So they constantly worked to make that happen.
“It is everything that your nightmares could create, and more. There is no dream or wish or longing that can survive there. I tried. Even when I held them in my hands, lifted them up to my mouth and sang the hymns of grace, most souls there couldn’t hear me. They were blinded by fear and corruption, andcouldn’t see my light. And after a while… I had no light left to show them.”
“Rafe, how did you stand it? You were always the most compassionate, tender-hearted of us all. Watching that happen must have?—”
I held up a clawed hand. “Don’t pity me. I told you it was my fault that you failed here, and I meant it. I knew you were a musician, not a warrior. You were never meant to hold a sword. In the Celestial Realm, you would never have had to. But I was selfish. I wanted to do the task the Singer had set for me, and I rushed it. I chose you to lead for me, and told myself I’d prepared you. But I knew, in my heart, you weren’t ready. No, more than that. You weren’t the one for the task.”
He flinched. “Fuck, Rafe. Hearing that hurts as much as the shadows. Please stop.”
“No. You misunderstand. I saw the potential in you to be truly great. Greater than me, as a musician and possibly as a soul. Your songs, your compositions, and the power you were able to weave through them—the light you create with breath—is unparalleled. I mean, in any realm. My brother Imriel wishes he could sing like you. And he can’t compose for shit.”
Gavriel had been slumped over, and he straightened with each word. “Really?”
“Gavriel, I saw that you would be one of the greatest souls ever created. A bearer of light into the darkest of places. And I believed that power would be enough to hold Sanctuary for a little while, while I went and proved I was greater than the Abyss itself. That I could not only create a new realm, but balance all the realms, single-handedly.
“My hubris damned you, my friend. I took a harp and forced it to serve as a sword.” The truth of my words, the truth of myfaultrang with authority in the room.
We were both quiet for a moment. “I know you never meant to be gone so long,” he said at last. “You can’t blame yourself.”
My laugh was bitter and quiet. “Oh, yes, I most certainly can. I failed there in as spectacular a fashion as you did here. Shit, I taught the void how to eat its way through a realm. I gave it the fucking idea.”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you think this is?” I asked, pointing to my horns.I became a part of the void, Gav. I’m connected to it. It’s inside me, and it heard all my thoughts. It knows many of my secrets. When I touch her, when I look at her… the void is present. It’s why I can’t go with you when you leave here.
I must be the sacrifice so that she can live.
Chapter 20
