“I don’t think that’s the moral compass talking, per se. I think that’s guilt and grief, which would make sense to feel after something like that.”
“Yeah? And how would you know?”
Emerson shook his head slowly. “I don’t. Not personally. But imagining myself going through it, I think that’s what I’d be feeling, too. I can’t say that I understand, because I don’t. But Icansay I see where that would be coming from.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Crescent walking up from the back. “Well, thanks, I guess.”
He stood from the booth, taking his coffee with him. “Anytime. Seriously, give me a call if you want to talk more. I’ll just keep offering.”
Maybe he shouldn’t be. I didn’t deserve someone like that—someone I could bear all of my innermost thoughts about this to. There were too many, and they were so heavy, I didn’t think I wanted to give all of them to someone else like that.
Crescent took Emerson’s spot in the booth with a smile on his face. “Who was that?”
I shook my head, waving the question off. He was nobody I needed to get involved with, even if we did keep running into each other. Even if he did keep offering the same type of support. Even if he was being genuine, there was no reason to take him up on it. Emerson’s kind words and gorgeous eyes might’ve followed me in my thoughts each time we spoke, but I knew deep down that I was far beyond hope.
Chapter Four
Something startled me awake.For a moment, I wasn’t sure what it could’ve been. From the way I was dripping with sweat, I imagined it must’ve been a nightmare, which I was having far more frequently lately. I liked the ones I couldn’t remember—where I was blissfully unaware of which horrid memory I’d resurfaced, or the stress-related situation my brain had conjured up for me. When I could remember, I’d be trapped for the rest of the day, stuck in my body with an invisible cage locked around me, and I wouldn’t know how to get out.
The world would cave in, darkness would fall, and I would hear my own breathing, but nothing else would make sense. Nothing. Nothing looked normal or familiar when my arms were bound by an entity of my own creation, right inside my mind.
My phone kept ringing, scaring me again. I jolted, turning around in bed to reach for it on my nightstand. Something dropped to the floor, but I didn’t make any effort to look at what it was.
I almost couldn’t get any words out, holding the phone to my ear with panic still racing through me. “Hello?”
“Big brother,” Star slurred from the other side. There was music playing off in the distance from her, pounding through the speaker when she paused. “Big brother, can you—” she interrupted herself with a hiccup. “Come get me?”
From the first syllable she’d uttered, I’d shot up in bed immediately. I was already swinging my leg over the bed and looking for some clothes. “What’s wrong? Where are you?”
“So drunk. So, sooooo drunk, Moony Poony.” Oh, she was definitely drunk if she was calling me that. She’d only called me that from the ages of six to nine, and then all of a sudden, she was too old, and the nickname was too weird. It’d honestly kind of hurt when she stopped.
“Okay, try to keep on task here, Star. Where are you?”
“Mm, some house party. I don’t know. Like, only four minutes away from campus. You know? I don’t know. Maybe? God, I’m so tired.”
“Who did you go with?”
“Friends.”
I couldn’t find my wallet. I couldn’t find my goddamn wallet, and I was seriously getting worried with how slurred Star’s speech was. “Okay, cool. Where are they?”
“Gone. So tired. I take nap. This bed so comfy.” She sighed into the phone right before the sound of rustling sheets came through.
Dread sat heavy in my stomach, churning and churning until everything had curdled. I paused what I was doing. “Why are you in a bed? Whose bed is it?”
“This guy. I don’t know.”
A guy? And she doesn’t know? “Did he do anything to you, Star?”
She whined and sighed, probably rolling around on the bed. “It’s so comfy.”
“Share your location with me. Now. Did that guy do anything to you? Did he put something in your drink?”
“God, Moony Poony, you sure have a lot of”—another hiccup—“weird questions. Is fine. Everythin’ fine. Just so drunk.”
A text came through on my phone, showing me her location. “Fuck, Star! That’s, like, twenty minutes away from me.” And all I had was a single passenger bike. What the fuck was I thinking? Actually, no, what wasshethinking when she knew that was all I had? “I’m gonna have to call Cres to come get you.”
“No! No, no, no, I want Moony Poony.”
