Just as I’d gotten out the soldering iron, my phone started to ring. Despite it being the most inopportune time, I didn’t want to miss it in case it was Emerson, as disgustingly romantic as that may seem. It wasn’t him, though. Elio was calling me, which was odd by itself. We usually texted or saw each other in person, since he wasn’t much of a phone call guy.
I answered and put him on speaker. “Everything okay?”
“Hello to you, too, Moon. Yes, everything is fine. No need to panic.”
Though I knew he was being sarcastic, I sighed in relief and put him on speaker, sliding my phone along the table as far away from the soldering iron as possible. “Sorry. What’s up, El?”
“I just wanted to call and check in on you one-on-one. We haven’t really been able to talk without someone else around in a while.”
He wasn’t wrong. The birds started to chirp through the open window right by the table, reminding me of the world moving around me. I brushed some flux over the glass, priming it. “No, we haven’t. Been kind of busy, huh? How’ve you been doing? Everything with you and Cres still going as storybook as possible?”
Elio huffed a short laugh. “I’ve been okay. Better than I have been in years, honestly. Cres and I are doing great, too. You’d hear about it if we weren’t. But I really didn’t call for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I wanted to check on you.”
“You don’t gotta worry about me, El. I’m fine.”
“Sure you are.”
Sighing, I made sure my gloves were still tight around my fingers and started my first line of solder. “You all just love to investigate my emotions, don’t you?”
“You do the same with us, and you know it.”
“Sure, sure. Whatever. I’m the big brother, I can’t help it.”
He hummed. “Even the strong ones deserve a chance to not be so strong. I’m pretty fucked up about what happened and the years I spent under Jude’s lock and key. But I know it fucked with you, too. You don’t have therapy like I do, though you could if you agreed to do it.”
Therapy this, therapy that. It was always therapy. I was glad it worked for them, and I knew it worked for a whole lot of people, but how many times was I going to have to say no? “I killed them because if I hadn’t, they could’ve hurt you far worse than they already had, and Jude would’ve killed me. No reason to get fucked up about it.”
“Sure, there is. First of all, Sarah was an accident, and you should know that by now. She hit the?—”
“Yeah, yeah.” I cut him off. “She hit the bookshelf in just the right spot. I know. But I still contributed.”
There was silence on the line for a little bit. Nothing but the sound of the melting solder beneath my hands as I tried to keep my lines steady. When Elio finally spoke back up, his voice was quieter—more contemplative. “Seeing a dead body in person is a lot different from seeing them on TV or something.”
I picked up the soldering iron, closing my eyes. It was the wrong thing to do, because all I saw behind my eyelids were Jude’s eyes as they slowly turned lifeless, my hands wrapped tight around his neck. “Yeah, it is. I hope I never see one again, honestly.”
“Me too. But you killed for me, and I can promise you that I’d kill for you, too. So, if I had to, I would.”
Hearing someone I considered my baby brother just as much as I did Crescent say something like that didn’t settle well. It was heavy in my stomach, speaking to whatever dark, sinister being lived in my bones. “You don’t ever have to defend me. I’m your big brother. That’s what I’m here for.”
“Just because you’re protective of me doesn’t automatically mean you have to always protect me. You can need protecting as well. That’s what family is for. We have each other’s backs.”
“I know what you’re saying.”
“I hope you do. Read in between the lines, dude. You haven’t been the same since that day, whether you admit it or not.”
How could I be? After what I’d seen and finally understood. After realizing just how much I’d missed, despite being the last person who should’ve. I just couldn’t let anyone else know that. “I’m sorry I never noticed.”
“Noticed what?”
“That Jude was hurting you.”
“Nobody did. I mean, I think some people had suspicions, but I never let them have definitive proof. Hell, I left the house thinking I could just hide it all away and pretend like it was all fine. What a decision that was.”
“Don’t blame yourself.”
