He didn’t respond right away, letting my words pass by and sink into place. That, or he didn’t know what to say at all. “Death is really fucking weird. It’s something I haven’t really wrapped my head around yet. I don’t understand it, but I understand the gravity of pushing someone to it. Isn’t that fucked up?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Most people don’t know what death truly looks like, Em. I do. I know what it feels and sounds like when someone takes their last breath. When the soul in their eyes visually leaves their body. I know how it feels to squeeze someone’s life out of them.” He ran a hand over his short hair, stopping at the back of his head. I watched as he dug his fingertips into the skin there, gripping something neither of us could see. “Jude’s throat,like, convulsed in my hands. I remember now. I could feel his body fighting against it, gasping and gulping before suddenly…nothing. Just a long, gurgled exhale. His final one.”
I had to think really hard about whether I wanted to ask my next question or not. I thought about how long and how well we’d known each other. I thought about if it would cross a line I wasn’t aware of yet. In the end, I’d told him I would be there for him no matter what. I told him I wanted to help him—what better way to help him than to try and understand him, like he’s tried to understand me? “Do you regret it?”
“No.” He was quick with it, the answer already on his tongue before I’d gotten my question out. “I don’t regret a single part of it. I protected my brothers, and for that reason, I won’t regret it. No matter how badly it fucks me up. I’ll accept my spot in hell before I say I shouldn’t have done it.”
He’d said something like that once before—that he would be going to hell right along with them, facing torture just as they would. It was the day a detective and I held a video meeting with Moon, Crescent, and Elio on the findings of our investigation.
We never did find as many answers as we would’ve liked. There were so many loose ends and more questions we’d never understand since both Jude and Sarah were dead. Sometimes, we had to deal with the idea that we’d never truly understand why something happened the way it did. That was life. That was death.
“I’m glad you don’t regret it. There’s nothing to regret. Usually, that’s half the battle. But the memories playing in your mind like that? Tearing you apart? That can go away, too, Moon. Have you looked into therapy?”
Shaking his head, he put a hand up, palm out. “I’m not talking about therapy. I’ve already gone over that with my brothers. Repeatedly. That topic is off the table.”
I could tell how serious he was just by the tone of his voice. “Alright, noted. I’ll back off about it.”
“As you should. If you get pushy with me, this friendship is over.”
“I won’t push you, I promise. But has anyone ever told you you’re a brat?”
The look on his face had me laughing. He blinked slowly, his eyes narrowing with each one. “Yeah, you. And my mom. Do I need to call you Mommy, now?”
“I don’t know about Mommy. Usually, I’m called Daddy, but whatever floats your boat, brat.”
He slapped my arm, his mouth open in shock. “Emerson whatever your middle name is Blake!” His voice dropped to a whisper, leaning in to my ear. “You did not just say that in my brother’s place of work. In public. In a bakery.”
I shrugged. “You started it with the Mommy stuff. What else was I supposed to do?”
“Not that. I don’t want to know what girls call you in bed.”
“Ew.” Moon and I both jumped as we looked up in shock, finding Crescent standing by the booth. “I guess you guys are more than friends, then?”
Moon groaned as he cradled his face in his hands. “Oh, my god. No, we’re just friends. You happened to walk over at the worst time possible.”
“Sorry, Crescent. You really did.”
Crescent slid into the booth, sitting in front of us. He started to unpack his lunch box, laying it all out on the table. “Uh huh. Keep telling yourselves that.”
Moon slid into the conversation to save the day, changing the topic. “We saw how busy you were earlier. Are you guys getting more word of mouth?”
“I think so.” Crescent looked up and paused, staring at something over Moon’s shoulder.
“Cres? You okay?”
“Yeah, sorry. Thought I saw something.”
Moon tilted his head. “Your earbuds are still in. Have you been taking your meds?”
“Yes, mother. I’ve been taking my meds. Sometimes, it just happens, okay? Don’t worry about me.”
“Hm, sounds a lot like something I said the other day to you.”
“Oh, shut up. You know I’m dealing with shit the healthy way. You, on the other hand?” Crescent raised an eyebrow at him.
I was sorely confused by the entire conversation going on. It didn’t seem to be my place to know, though, so I didn’t ask. I liked seeing them interact. The love they had for each other was so apparent in every action. It made me miss Harrison. It made me miss him a lot, actually.
