“I think so.”
“You think so, or know so?”
Why was Detective Manuel’s voice so much louder than Officer Blake’s? I didn’t like it as much. Officer Blake’s wassofter. Kinder. I didn’t have to think as hard when he spoke. I was hardly thinking at all now. “I know so. I’ve already gone over all of this. I pushed him, punched him, Sarah grabbed the back of my shirt, so I pushed her, and she hit the bookshelf. Jude grabbed my neck, so I grabbed his, took us to the ground. He fought. I fought harder. I killed him. That’s it. End of story. He would’ve killed Elio if I hadn’t.”
There was a beat of silence. A lot of silence. I liked the silence. When Officer Blake spoke up, I didn’t mind it as much as I would’ve if it were Detective Manuel. “Detective Manuel just needs to hear all the facts for himself, Moon. That’s all.”
I watched the table in front of me. It looked really nice and like it’d be cool against my skin. My blood-stained skin. Was my soul stained now, too? I guess it was my penance. For failing Elio all those years ago. How fucking stupid could I have been to ignore all the signs? I knew the signs, for fuck’s sake. I knew them. I understood them.
Curling my hands into fists, I looked straight into Officer Blake’s eyes. They were a deep, dark blue that complemented his dark, perfect hair. A nice blue. I wanted to swim in them, away from everything that was happening around me.
It was all too confusing. I couldn’t keep up. I barely knew what time it was anymore. I just needed my brothers.My brothers.“Where are my brothers? Are they okay?”
Officer Blake looked so kind. “Yeah, Moon. They’re doing okay, remember? I told you earlier that Crescent is with Elio in the hospital, and Elio is stable. They’re gonna be okay.You’regonna be okay.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
Chapter One
I didn’t regret it.No, I’d do anything for my little brothers. I’d do it a hundred times over if I had to.
But, fuck, I couldn’t get it out of my head. Or my nose. Christ, the smell of blood and viscera as it splattered all over me. And the floors. And the walls. The power I felt at that moment, knowing I’d done something like that. I’d single-handedly made sure neither of them would fuck with my little brothers ever again.
Did that make me fucked up? The fact I’d do it a million times on repeat, over and over and fucking over again, if it had the same outcome, yet the image haunted my nightmares. I didn’t want it to.
God, the things I’d do to not give a fuck. Or to make my brain not give a fuck. I killed them, and I don’t feel a single ounceof empathy for them. So why in the ever-loving fuck was it still fucking me up?
I groaned as I rolled out of bed, trying to shake away the never-ending nightmare I knew as my brain. My body felt tight in all the wrong places, only reminding me of how dried blood had stuck to my skin. Shivering through the chill of my apartment, I pulled on a turtleneck and some sweatpants. It wasn’t a great combo fashion-wise, but it was all I had clean, and if it weren’t for the fact that I loved my brother, I wouldn’t even be up right now.
Muffin Haven was only a four-minute walk from me. The main issue with that was that lately, I didn’t even want to get out of bed, so I definitely didn’t want to walk all the way to the bakery café. Instead, I’d invested in a bicycle, which turned out to be even more work since I had to keep it in my apartment and carry it down my stairs when I used it. It was all around a huge pain in the ass, but I refused to admit that to anyone—even myself.
The bike ride forced me to stretch my legs, feel the wind on my face, and gave me a chance to“align my chakra,”as my parents would say. Whatever that meant. They used the phrase so often, I’d started to wonder if they even knew.
It didn’t look to be all that busy from the outside. There were big windows covering the front of the bakery, and only two people were waiting in line, with maybe three seated at tables. I parked my bike against the wall out front before heading in, pausing to take in the smell of fresh coffee and delicious-smelling pastries.
Kendra greeted me at the register, smiling widely, like she always did. “Hey, Moon. Crescent won’t be on lunch for another few minutes, but I’ll have Stacy let him know you’re here.”
“No problem. I’m a bit early today.” I was actually coming earlier and earlier lately. I couldn’t stand the idea of not beingaround my brother or his boyfriend. If I wasn’t at home, I was at the bakery. If I wasn’t at the bakery, I was at their house with Elio until Crescent got home. Leaving them alone for too long made me feel weird. Antsy. Like something bad would happen if I wasn’t there. Being unemployed didn’t help financially, but it helped with my uncontrollable need to see them all the time.
“What kind of coffee would you like today?” Kendra had her hand hovering over the computer, waiting for my order.
I never got the same thing twice in a row. It was a small joy to always try something new. The old bakery Crescent worked at hadn’t offered drinks, so it was a nice addition. “I think I’ll do the chai tea latte, actually. Do you guys have any lemon scones left?”
“We do. They just pulled a fresh batch from the ovens, so they should be cooled down by now.”
The door opened and shut to my right, and Kendra smiled at someone behind me. “Awesome. Just the chai and the lemon scone, then, please.”
Kendra disappeared into the back for a second while another person got started on my drink. By the time she came back with my scone, the chai was sitting in front of me. I took them both and wandered to an available table with a booth to wait for Crescent.
My phone had become my best friend since Jude’s attack on Elio. Social media kept me company most of the time, giving me a reason not to interact with anyone else. It kept my brain quiet when I was alone, and kept me alone when I was too afraid not to be.
I scrolled through videos, none of them really capturing my attention, while I absentmindedly sipped on the chai, zoned out from the world around me. When I pretended nothing but my phone existed, I could pretend I wasn’t in a constant state of unease. It was like nothing else really mattered, and I didn’t haveto think about my body or how it felt. Or how numb I’d tried to make it feel.
Tingles spread through my body as I continued to wait, allowing my brain to shut off from the world around me. They found their way down my spine, cresting at the crux of my upper thighs. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to will the tingles to stop. It tickled. I fucking hated being tickled.
“Moon?”
