He thinks he’s bragging, but I don’t want to hear about his complicated sex life with a guy with multiple personalities.
“I don’t know how to process that.” And don’t really want to.
“Listen well,” he commands, clapping his hands like a master to his servant. “I’m going to impart some of my priceless wisdom on you in the art of finding a good lay.”
Oh, boy. “Please, don’t.” I move my hand over my face, knowing too well he won’t spare me. I love Lori, but his persistence in helping me get laid is exhausting.
“Look there.” He shifts his chair next to mine and slaps my forearm when I ignore him. “Remove that hand from your face, muppet.”
I do it with a loud sigh.
“That bloke over there,” he whispers, staring at the one sitting a couple of tables away from us. “He’s a foot tapper. See? Never trust a man who taps his foot when you talk to him.”
Okay, that’s not bad advice. I nod at him.
“That one?” He tilts his head at the tall one with curly hair who passed our table a few seconds before. “He has a cloud of cologne around him, to cover his stench like they did in the eighteen hundreds.”
“Some say that’s the reason why perfume was created,” I tell him.
“Disgusting, lazy arses!” He gags. “And that bloke who keeps wiggling on the chair. Fart carrier or itchy STD carrier? Both bad reasons. Stay. Away.”
“You are ridiculous!” I snort.
“Your Lori special!” Jess places the to-go cup on the table in front of him and leaves.
“Since when do you have a special?”
“Since I come here every other day for a free cup of hot cocoa with a cinnamon stick, some orange peel, a spoon of honey, and a pinch of nutmeg. Want a sip?”
“No, thanks, Grandma,” I tease him.
“Your loss, piss stain.” He gestures for me to get going. “I left Wednesday in the car,” he lets me know. “I’m afraid for the driver.”
“Why didn’t you put her in her baby carrier?” He usually takes her around wherever he goes.
“Your jerk of a brother vetoed it. Something about food hygiene and health department rules. Talking about my Wednesday like she was a disease-carrying chicken!” He mutters with a hint of retaliation in his voice.
Lori is the king of petty revenge. What is he going to plan for my brother?
I understand, though. I love Lori’s hen, even though she has a verystrongpersonality—bordering on aggressive—but if there’s a health inspection and my brother doesn’t follow the rules, the café can be forced to close down.
We find the black car waiting for us outside the café. The windows are tinted so I can’t see the hen inside. I open the passenger door, and Lori slides in before I can take a look. Wednesday is in a dog seat in the middle, so I’m forced to go around and enter from the other side.
“How’s my precious lady? Did you wait too long? I’m sorry about the leash, but it’s for…everybody else’s protection.” Lori is using his baby voice as he talks to Wednesday. She is such a cutie with those red eyes and all that black-and-white plumage on her head.
I brought a little bag of grains with the intention of asking Oliver to give it to Lori. But it worked out better this way. I take out the plastic Ziplock and pour some on my palm before moving it near her beak.
“Look at her pecking away. That’s why you are her favorite uncle.” Lori lets out a happy little chuckle while the car starts moving.
I brush the feathers on Wednesday’s head; they are incredibly soft.
“By the way, why didn’t you tell me about the tattoo?” He crosses his arms and sends me a slightly miffed look.
“How do you know about it?” It looks completely healed now, and I’m more than satisfied with it.
“Saw it in the café locker room when you were half-naked.” He snaps his fingers. “Of course that cute waiter hit on you. He thought you were giving him hints.”
“What hints? I was changing out of my uniform.” And even felt a little uncomfortable with Randy looking at me.
